"EQ2 Interviews: Impossible Subjects"

By Coyotee Sharptongue

Coyotee Sharptongue, the Kerran reporter for Ten Ton Hammer news stands in front of a large screen with a number “three” displayed on it as he grins towards the camera.

“Impossible interviews are a reporter’s worst nightmare. Your subject is hostile, belligerent, or in the worst scenario, refuses to do the interview that they had previously agreed to,” He explains as he nods towards the screen.

“But what if it actually got worse?” he asks with a grin. “What would you do if your interview subject not only had no intention of being interviewed, and in some cases, every intention of killing you?” he ponders as he steps away from the large three.

“For your viewing enjoyment, we bring you, “EQ2 Interviews: Impossible Subjects,” Coyotee announces as the camera focuses on the large “3” as it begins to count down.(3)

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“Windfeather. The name alone brings low seasoned adventurers screaming from the hills and diving for the safety of the nearest zone line. But is this a fair reputation? Is the legendary flying giant the violent and psychotic killer from our nightmares, or does more lie beneath the surface of this feathered beast? This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you the true story.” A large Kerra speaks seriously into a microphone as he turns towards a gigantic bird. It turns it’s head slowly as it takes in the cat-man.

“Windfeather. You’ve been accused of countless murders, and of being the bane of innocent adventurers everywhere. Do you feel that these accusations are just, or hold merit?” Coyotee asks, as he holds the microphone towards the bird.

“AWWK! Pretty bird!” Windfeather cackles into the microphone as the reporter slowly frowns.

“I’m sorry?” Coyotee asks in confusion.

“Awwk. Cracker. Want a cracker!” The bird chirps again as Coyotee sighs and puts a paw to his temple.

“I don’t have any crackers you stupid URRK....” Blood spurts from the stump of the reporters neck as Windfeather deftly bites off the Kerra’s head with his razor sharp beak. Coyotee’s body, still twitching drops limply to the ground, the microphone thudding loudly.

“PRETTY BIRD! AAWWK!” Windfeather announces again as a pool of blood forms around the corpse of Coyotee.

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“This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news , high upon the imposing Lucan’s Mount to bring you this exclusive interview with none other than the legendary “Terrathud.” A Kerra with a microphone grins into the camera as he moves towards a mass of living rock. With a loud crack of grinding stone, the rock monster slowly turns towards the approaching reporter.

“Thank you for agreeing to this interview sir,” Coyotee smiles politely as the stone beast looks between the cat-man and the camera. “Tell us in your own words exactly why you’ve chosen the top of this massive climb as your home,” He asks, holding the microphone out to the monster.

“That’s actually a funny story Coyotee,” The creature laughs, a gravelly grating sound. “You see, when I was just a pebble I decided to- “

Without warning Terrathud grabs the reporter by his throat and hoists him far into the air. With a granite grunt he lobs the screaming reporter off of the cliff face and into the water below. Watching the entire shrieking flight with a chuckle, the rock beast laughs to himself as he shakes the boulder that acts as his head.

“Man. That NEVER gets old.” He chuckles before turning towards the camera and cameraman with a pebbled grin.

“Oh…come to papa.” He chuckles as he stomps forward.

A moment later the sounds of a scuffle and a scream are recorded as the camera spins chaotically in its decent towards the cold water below. A crash of waves instantly cut the film to static as the feed is lost.

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A bloodied and battered Kerra stands shivering on a frost covered beach. Blood trails from the shore to the water, pooling dark in the frozen depths. The tattered remains of a camera lay sparking in the melted snow as a similarly bruised Barbarian kicks at the destroyed equipment.

“Dreadwake. Interview Dreadwake they said. It’ll be FUN they said. Like 'Flipper'” they said.” The Kerran sighs as he looks out over the water.

“I think we need a bigger boat,” The Barbarian says helpfully.

“You’re fired.” Coyotee sighs without looking at him.

(3)

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A bleary eyed Kerra holding a microphone squints into the camera as he sways unsteadily, a large mug of a dark liquid foams its edges and sloshes in his free hand.

“This is ME!” He growls into the microphone aggressively as he gestures with his mug hand, sloshing more of its contents to the ground. “Cootie Slurptongs for Ten Tubs Hammered NEWS! Bringing you…um..” The Kerra stares blankly at the drink in his hand and peers at the foaming liquid.

After a few long moments he looks up at the camera in surprise, stumbling slightly.

“BEER!” He yells triumphantly as he drains the contents of the stein noisily, drenching the front of his tunic in the process.

“Patch..twe..twenty two ROCKS!” He exclaims loudly, throwing the “devil rawk” sign in the air.

“I’m..gunna..trade..skill um.. Over there.” Cootie points as he stumbles off camera with a loud belch.

“BEEEEER!” Can be heard shouted loudly, and followed by a roaring cheer from a drunken crowd as the camera fades to black.

(3)

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The camera slowly fades from black revealing the Kerran reporter still smiling in front of the screen.

“We hope you’ve enjoyed our pain and misery once again, and invite you back next week to share in our agony.” Coyotee chuckles lightly.

“This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news saying…” He trails as he reaches off screen.

“BEEEEEEEEEEEEER!” He roars holding up a foaming mug of beer as the camera slowly fades to black.

(*Special thanks this week to GPA_Shipwreck for his usual inspirations, for the ideas of the Terrathud, Dreadwake and vision of Windfeather as Polly. Many props to my constant idea man. Also! Thanks to everyone who work hard on LU22 to give us booze.*)