The First Annual Miss Norrath Beauty Pageant

EQ2 Humor by Coyote

A large ogre holding a microphone waves happily to the camera as he quickly zooms into focus. His oily black hair is combed to one side in a parody of neatness that is only further mocked by his two sizes too small lime green tuxedo. Drawing a deep breath to speak, the seams on his outfit swell in protest as he shouts excitedly.

"HULLO! An' welcome to tha' first ever, Miss Pretty Norrath Beauty Pageant for girls who not really ugly!" The hulking host grins excitedly as he points a meaty finger towards his own chest.

"Krunnk hostin' contest 'cause him only MOST FAIR HOST EVER!" Krunnk announces as he splays his fingers and gestures to the large platform behind him.

As he does so, the curtains raise and a dozen scantily clad females contestants slowly make their way towards the center of the stage. Each woman is dressed in a revealing evening gown that hugs every curve, leaving very little to the imagination. They come to rest beneath a large marquee that reads "The Miss Norrath Pageant" in lights that sparkle and glow with the hint of magic.

Looking to the stage with a grin Krunnk pulls a crumpled piece of parchment from his jacket pocket and pokes his tongue out of the corner of his mouth as he tries to read it.

"'Kay. First pretty princess girl is..um.." The Ogre squints as he attempts to pronounced the name and race of the contest's first hopeful. "..Um..this is um.. BigBooty Happy'Face she a stupid elf." He announces as he gestures to a confused High Elf woman who steps forward.

"Um..No dear, my name is Belladonna Havenfaith..." The woman corrects before turning towards the camera. "I enjoy working with the elderly, long walks on the shores of Antonica and want to make all of Norrath a better place." She smiles pleasantly as she profiles slightly for the camera.

"Old peoples smell." Krunnk points out with a helpful smile as he points a large finger at the next woman in line. "Who you?" He asks a nervous looking human woman with flowing red hair.

"Me? You're supposed to..um.." Startled, the woman steps forward as the High Elf returns to her place on stage and smiles pleasantly to the camera, somewhat perplexed by the lack of introduction. "My name is Faebeau the Fair, and I hail from the beautiful city of - " She begins, but is instantly cut off by the quickly growing bored host.

"'Kay. You Fakeboobs Unfair. NEXT!" The Ogre roars as Faebeau steps back quickly, a look of fear washing her face.

A small Ratonga woman with striking white fur steps forward and smiles prettily towards the host.

"My name is.." The mouseling tries to speak but is interrupted by a short laugh from the Ogre.

"You not PRETTY! You mouse. Um...you not count. NEXT!" Krunnk demands, but the small female refuses to move.

"What do you MEAN I don't count?!" She says angrily as she shakes a small fist at Krunnk. "How DARE YOU!" She roars, stomping heavily across the stage as she makes a very un-lady like exit.

"Sorry! IT IN THE RULES!" Krunnk shouts after her as he points to a random place on his cheat sheet and waves it after her.

Several of the woman gathered begin exchanging nervous glances as Krunnk looks to the next female in line and chuckles.

"Why YOU here? This not TUBBY TUBBY PRINCESS!" He roars with his own joke as a crushed looking Halfling woman steps forward, her eyes brimming with tears.

"I ...I just thought that I had a chance at..at..the prize." She sniffles sadly, the Ogre's eyes going wide.

"What prize?" He asks suspiciously as the small woman smiles hopefully and steps forward.

Clearing her throat and putting on her best smile she turns towards the camera and straightens slightly.

"Ahem. The winner of the First Annual Miss Norrath Pageant will receive an all expense paid trip to the Pirate's Resort, a five star theme hotel nestled quietly on the shores of the Sinking Sands." She recites with a soft smile.

"OOH! Krunnk LIKE Pirates!" The Ogre coos happily as the Halfling continues.

"She will then be whisked away to attend the opening of Denmother's Chocolates, where she will be given a lifetime supply of sweets..." The woman continues but is quickly interrupted by the over eager host.

"KRUNNK LOVE CANDY!!" Krunnk roars happily as he bounces excitedly from foot to foot.

"..um..where she will then be given the title of "Spokesperson" for several events and products and crowned with a solid gold, diamond encrusted tiara." She finishes with a slight bow before stepping back in line.

Blinking slowly the Ogre looks around before scratching his head in confusion.

"Um. What Tiara?" Krunnk finally asks after a long pause.

Rolling her eyes a Dark Elf near the end of the line sighs in frustration.

"It is a little crown..thing. You know, like a "pretty princess" wears?" The Dark Elf explains as she mimics placing a crown on her head.

"KRUNNK LOVE PRETTY PRINCESS CROWN THINGS!!" The Ogre bellows as he hops frantically in place, each contestant now staring at the bouncing host.

After a few long moments Krunnk's tittering finally slow as he looks around with a sly grin.

Moving towards the center of the stage and roughly elbowing some of the women out his way the Ogre hefts his microphone and grins widely into the camera.

"An' tha winner is...." He says dramatically, ignoring the cries of outrage from the contestants who haven't even been introduced yet.

"KRUNNK! YAAAAAY!" He says happily as he bows deeply at the waist and starts blowing kisses towards the unseen audience.

Shoved to the side, the women regroup and form a large, angry crowd that slowly stalks towards the still bowing Ogre. Coming to a seething halt a few feet away, the leader of the woman, a tall Barbarian woman with short cropped hair clears her throat.

"AHEM." She growls as she folds her arms. The sound pulls Krunnk from his enthusiastic bowing as he turns to face the mob of beauty pageant contestants.

"I got into high heels FOR THIS?" The Barbarian snarls as Krunnk's eyes widen in comprehension. "Get him." She orders as the group of woman scream in unison and charge the massive Ogre.

"DON'T HATE ME 'CAUSE ME BEAUTIFUL!!" He squeals as he's buried under a landslide of evening gowns and flailing fists, his voice drowned out by the shrill screaming from the mob of women scorned.

A bloody and tattered open toed pump flies from the writhing pile and knocks over the camera causing the entire pageant to cut mercifully to static.

~End~