EQ2 Humor: "Gnomish Teleporters"

By Coyote Sharptongue

A large ogre waves enthusiastically with a free hand as he clutches a microphone in his other, his mammoth mitt dwarfing the instrument. Dressed in a much too small tan suit that threatens to rip and shred with every excited motion, he adjusts the bright red bowtie at his neck as he smiles happily to the camera.

“This Krunnk for TipToeHamster news reportin’ to you instead of Coyotee ‘cause him call in SICK.” The Ogre introduces as he leans in confiding to the camera. “He got in trouble for doin’ butt scootchies on good rug.” Krunnk whispers as he steps back with an amused grin.

“So they send Krunnk out to talk to little funny guy ‘bout Teletubbies.” The Ogre informs as he points to a small gnome as the camera slowly pans towards the diminutive figure.

“Teleporters!” The gnome laughs as he comes fully into view. “The name is Wratchetjaw Nimblefingers my large friend, and I’m here to introduce an invention that will revolutionalize ALL of Norrath!” He announces as he looks proudly on.

“Teletubbies have baby in SUN!” Krunnk says with wide eyes. “That not GOOD! FIRE BURN BABY! WHY YOU PUT BABY IN SUN?!” Krunnk cries out in anguish as he shakes a meaty fist at the gnome.

“No no Krunnk!” The gnome says quickly in soothing tones as he moves towards a large object covered by an even larger tarp.

“Teleporter! It’s a device that will change how everyone in the world travels from one place to another!” Wratchet explains with flourish as he yanks fiercely on the tarp. As the billowing fabric falls to the floor around them revealing two large glass boxes accented with a gold trim.

The Ogre reporter blinks in confusion as he tilts his head to one side. Scratching his head with the microphone he turns towards the gnome, obviously puzzled.

“Why you make see through out houses?” Krunnk asks as he scrunches up his nose in disgust. “That GROSS.” He accuses, pointing at the gnome. “No body wanna see you POOP!”

The gnome laughs as he shakes his head, patting the large reporter on the hand gently.

“This my gigantic friend is a location to location instant personal transport system.” The Gnome beams up happily at Krunnk.

“What it do?” Krunnk asks tentatively as he pokes a the glass with a huge finger.

“I’m glad you asked!” Wratchet smiles as he moves towards a lighted control panel to the transporter’s side. Hundreds of lights and delicate switches twinkle upon the panel’s face. In the center of the unit a large red button sits in quite seduction.

“Wendel, if you will.” Wratchet announces as he looks up briefly from the control panel. Another gnome appears from off camera and moves towards the first of the glass boxes. Very gently he sits a large tabby cat in the center of the container and closes the door, before again moving off screen.

“Oooh KITTY!” Krunnk laughs happily as he claps his hands.

“You place the first subject in the molecular disassembler, set the receive coordinates and…” Wratchet half explains as he looks at the control panel before him. “..press the activation button.” He finishes as he activates the device.

Along with a loud electrical hum comes a blinding flash of light. The cat is instantaneously transported from the first container to the second, seemingly unaware of its journey.

“THAT GREAT!!” Krunnk spits in awe as he bounces from one foot to another.

“Thank you.” Wratchet smiles, obviously pleased with himself as the Ogre crowds around him at the control panel.

“And as you can see, the feline test subject is not only unharmed, but completely unaware of its journey.” The gnome points out as Wendel appears again to retrieve the cat.

”Me try!” Krunnk laughs as Wratchet shakes his head with a chuckle.

“I’m afraid not my large friend, this is a very delicate process that requires months of operational training.” He explains as his assistant lifts up the cat for all to see.

“KRUNNK'S TURN TO PUSH BUTTON!” The Ogre growls, as he reaches forward and presses the red button.

“NO!” Wratchet screams in horror as the electrical hum of the teleporter warns of activation. “YOU FOOL! YOU CAN’T HAVE TWO SUBJECTS IN A SINGLE TRANSPORTER!” He screams as Wendel’s eyes widen in dawning comprehension.

With a loud crack of electricity and a blinding flash of white light, both Wendel and the cat vanish. The first chamber instantly fills with a thick cloud of smoke that blocks any view of the contents within.

Running quickly towards the transporter platform, Wratchet opens the door as and steps back with a gasp.

A very dazed and very confused Wendel steps out of the device, his head now replaced with that of the orange tabby cat. Next to him, a very unhappy looking Wendel head looks upward from its feline body.

For a moment the silence in the air is overwhelming, but the quiet is instantly shattered by a loud and uproarious burst of laughter as Krunnk runs over pointing at the two transporter passengers.

“AHAHAHAHAHA! THAT GREAT!” Krunnk howls with laughter as he points at both Wendel-cats.

“What have you DONE?!!” Wratchet swears angrily as he turns towards the Ogre.

”YOU DID THIS!” The Gnome howls in rage as he points an accusing finger at Krunnk. “YOU STUPID, IMPULSIVE, SIMPLE MINDED oooooofff.” Wratchet’s angry cursing is cut off as the Ogre gives a quick shove sending him sprawling backwards into the transporter with both versions of poor Wendel.

Closing the door quickly, Krunnk runs back over to the control panel as he giggles. Ignoring the muffled screams and terrified meows from the chamber he leans over the display, his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration.

“TELETUBBIES!” He screams happily as he pushes the red button with gusto.

With a hum and a flash, all three occupants are instantly transported into the second chamber. Krunnk roars with laughter as a shocked looking two headed Gnome bangs its cat paws against the teleporter’s glass wall.

“TELETUBBIES!” Krunnk howls with glee as he presses the button again, his eyes jumping expectantly to the first chamber as he titters happily.

With a sickening wet thud, a mass of singed fur and throbbing flesh slaps wetly against the side of the glass chamber door. Several rows of eyes blink back at the Ogre as he looks around guiltily.

“Uht oh.” He breathes as he looks around again before hesitantly pushing the activation button and nervously looking towards the second chamber.

With a loud explosion of black smoke a many tentacled creature slaps its fur covered appendages angrily against the glass. Rows of sharp teeth jut chaotically from its gaping maw as it bellows in rage.

“Uht oh.” Krunnk repeats as he stares blankly at the creature as the glass container starts to crack.

“IT WASN’T ME!” Krunnk yells loudly as he looks around frantically. Slowly, he turns towards the camera as he realizes that he is on film. Looking back and forth between the camera and the monstrosity trapped within the glass walls Krunnk slowly turns away from the Transporter.

“That all time we have today. Krunnk not do anything, it was um…Coyotee.” He says quickly as he starts edging off screen.

“Bye.” He says before breaking into a dead run as he escapes from the chaos around him. The camera focuses on the fleeing Ogre as the sound of glass shattering can be heard. An ear splitting screech fills the air as the camera is jostled roughly before cutting to static.

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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016