Episode #128 - Nettleville Nonsense

by: Coyotee Sharptongue

Red Cons Red Cons whatcha gunna do? Whatcha gunna do when they con red to you? Red cons Red cons whatcha gunna do? Whatcha gunna do when they con red to you?

Guards was filmed live on location with the men and women of the Qeynos Guard. All suspects are considered ally until proven ready to attack.

Two men dressed in the armor and insignias of the Qeynos Guard stand with their backs to the cityscape. The night sky lays dark in the distance, split only slightly by the pale glow of the flickering street lamps above.

“I'm Captain Hastings and this is Guard Ashburn. We belong to the Nettleville district of the Qeynos Guard.” The first of the men introduces, drawing a quick nod of confirmation from his counterpart.

“This place has always been a “red candle” district if you know what we mean.” Hastings informs grimly as the two men begin walking.

“Cyber sex is rampant in this place. Hovels are usually bad, but we've noticed a steady increase in private tell trafficking as of late.” Guard Ashburn says as he turns towards the camera.

“Usually we'll turn a blind eye, or take the perp in;” He continues drawing agreement from the Captain. “But lately its out of control, and the reports of it are flooding in. I mean, there are KIDS in this district.” He sighs shaking his head.

Both men stop their journey as the camera cuts sharply. “So tonight we're setting up a “Sting” operation if you will.” Hasting says as he points off camera. “We've got an undercover agent in the field posing as one of these “Ladies-of-the-Type”, and we're going to see if we can take a few of the perverts in. Maybe put word out on the street that we don't want that trash in our town.”

He finishes as the camera slowly pans to the under cover agent. An immense Ogre dressed in drag complete with a long platinum blonde wig and an over-stuffed bodice grins from behind painted lips as he waves cheerily to the camera.

“Krunnk feel pretty.” He says bashfully as he rocks back and forth sending his knee length skirt twirling.

“Now you know what to do right?” Ashburn asks skeptically as the Ogre nods, his wig bobbing madly with the effort.

“Yup. Me get'em to say that thems wanna naughty party!” He laughs as he gives a meaty thumbs up.

“Right. We'll be right over here watching.” Hastings grins as he points to a large bush.

“Lets bust some bad guys.” Ashburn nods as he and Hastings retreat to their hiding place.

Unfurling a large umbrella the Ogre hefts it to one shoulder and spins it daintily as he waits under the street light. After a few long minutes a seedy looking Dark Elf can be seen approaching.

“Well, hey there beautiful.” The Dark Elf coos as he steps up to the sizeable “woman”.

“What you CALL ME?” Krunnk roars as he grabs the Dark Elf by the collar and begins shaking him violently.

Both Guards burst from the bushes and begin wrestling to no avail with the rampaging Ogre. The Dark Elf screams for help as the camera quickly cuts away.

When the film resumes, some time has obviously passed. Both Guards look annoyed as the resume their cover, Guard Ashburn turning to the camera in a whisper.

“Seems our Agent forgot that he was impersonating a woman. Luckily the Elf agreed not to press charges. I think he was a bit embarrassed at being caught on film” Ashburn confides as Hastings taps him on the shoulder and points towards the undercover agent who is again being approached.

A small gnome moves towards the ogre cautiously as Krunnk roughly adjusts his padded bodice.

“Excuse me..ahh..Miss.” The gnome smiles as he pushes up his glassed. “I seem to be a bit lost and I was wondering if you could-“ he asks, but is cut off before he can finish his question.

“Hey dere han'some.” Krunnk says with a theatric wink towards the bushes.

“You lookin' for good time?” The ogre asks seductively as he thrusts out his pelvis.

“I'm ..sorry?” The little man asks in confusion as he looks around.

“You know. You want mebbe a Bumpy Lucan? Eh? Or a Itchy Iksar? Eh? Eh?” Krunnk asks coyly as he puts a hand under one arm and flaps it wildly.

“A..a..bumpy..what?” The gnome asks, obviously startled.

“Yooou know. You want sqeaky duck? Eh? Mebbe a drippy frog?” the Ogre continues, now pointing to both feet and winking at the gnome.

“What on NORRATH are you TALKING about?” The gnome finally demands as he stares up at the badly made up giant. Krunnk stares back as he slowly stops hopping on one foot.

“Me got no idea.” He admits with a shrug before pointing to the bushes.

“Guards want me to give you party.” Krunnk states as the gnome follows the gesture, peering intently into the darkness.

“HEY!” The Ogre suddenly growls.

“Why HIM get party?” He asks angrily as he slams his fist down on the little gnomes head for emphasis. “ME WANT PARTY!” He roars as he stomps towards the bushes, the camera once again quickly panning away.

As before, its abundantly obvious that some time has passed. Both Guards look angry, and a bit disheveled. The bushes lay in tatters, stomped flat by an extremely large pair of high-heels as Krunnk stands in the middle of the debris, his arms folded haughtily as he refuses to turn his head towards the camera. “As you can see..” Guard Ashburn points to the area of the scuffle around them. “This hasn't exactly gone according to plan.” He sighs as he nods towards the pouting ogre.

“That's one of the dangers with working with a civilian.” Hastings agrees as he picks a piece of leaf out of his hair. “They don't always understand the seriousness involved in getting these people off of the street.” He finishes, brushing the dirt off of his pant leg.

“Maybe we should have gotten someone a bit prettier.” Ashburn jokes, drawing a slight chuckle of agreement from the Knight-Captain. Upon hearing this the ogre spins, facing both men.

“What you MEAN?” Krunnk growls as he points to the large pink bow on the front of his skirt. His makeup has run down his face in a rainbow of streaks staining the bodice as his wig teeters precariously with his anger.

“KRUNNK PRETTY!” He roars as both men look at each other nervously.

“Whoa big fella.” Ashburn soothes, putting up his hands defensively.

“Say me PRETTY.” The ogre orders, shaking a huge fist at the two officers, his bright red nails gleaming in the torch light.

“Calm down..” Hastings suggests as he takes a defensive stance as well.

“SAY ME PRETTY!” Krunnk bellows as he charges the two guards.

The camera topples as the sounds of fresh fighting erupt with a string of curses and a blonde wig falling into the lens's view. As the scene fades to black the word “Guards” can be seen in large white letters upon a black screen.

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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016