Honey, I Shrunk the Patch Notes!
EQ2 Humor by: Coyote and Tony "RadarX" Jones
Who doesn't love server downtime? Everyone! Server downtime means Updates, and updates mean patch notes. As usual Coyote and I take a look at the strange and unusual pointing out just how odd some of these notes sound. Why read the long version when we can bring you the unimportant one?
Note: Nektulos Forest content has been touched up to be more playable.
Coyote: My what a LOVELY window treatment!
RadarX: I can't really figure out how content like this becomes more playable without specifics. I get more lost in that zone than a sumo wrestler at a salad bar.
Coyote: It's been touched up. You know...with like flowers and archways and stuff. Jesus, will NOTHING make you happy?
RadarX: Is that a watermelon under your shirt and...are you barefoot?! Get away from me!
Note: Harvesting and Adornment application will be immediately interrupted by taking any damage.
Coyote: This is BULLS***! There have been PLENTY of times in real life where I was out collecting berries and completely IGNORED the angry bears attacking me until I had gathered what I wanted! WHERE IS THE REALISM SOE?!?!
RadarX: Yeah interruptions are part of life people, deal with it!
Coyote: No way. If there is a badger gnawing on your face you should totally be able to collect rocks. This is an outrage.
Note: Combat music should now terminate properly when fighting and zoning.
Coyote: Dun dun DUNDUN dundun dun dun dun. Fight me Kirk! FIGHT ME!
RadarX: Oh great! Can we expect EVERY update to have a reduction in annoying bugs? You are setting the bar high SOE.
Coyote: From the TV Guide for that episode "Amok time": "Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk". AHAHAHAHAHA Now THAT is an episode I'd like to see. Giggity.
RadarX: I can remember some guildmates playing that music over Teamspeak for every fight one night. The Shadowknight refused to fight without it. Good thing he was a Shadowknight.
Note:Human males who visit their local barber will discover that hairstyles once reserved for alternate appearances are now available!
Coyote: And no one will judge you for your merm. (Man Perm)
RadarX: I think it bothers me more that you know what that is...
Coyote: Says the guy with the frosted highlights.
RadarX: Hey! This style cost me $200! It's all the rage in South Qeynos.
Note: Rumors regarding a series of attacks on both ships belonging to the cities of Qeynos and Freeport have residents in Qeynos Harbor and East Freeport abuzz with excitement.
Numerous sailors and other individuals have gathered around to exchange stories and speculations about these events.
Coyote: Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down to the pond and chasing bluegills and tommycocks. This shark, swallow you whole. No shakin', no tenderizin', down you go.
RadarX: You are going to be rushing around looking for a "Hooper" aren't you?
Coyote: Or Mary Ellen Moffett. She broke my heart.
RadarX: I'm guessing this is a little bit of Lore relating to Kunark. Be interesting to hear what they have to say.
Note: The 7 piece Troubador's Fascination set bonus will now add aggression.
Coyote: Because no one likes a froofy Troubador Captain Prissy Pants.
RadarX: Replacing the current tactic of Troubador's using pom-poms and shouting "Be aggressive! Be be aggressive!"
Coyote: And here I thought Troubador's had all the aggression possible...
RadarX: Wouldn't YOU be aggressive if you were a not-a-Dirge?
Note: The effectiveness of Burning Deathfist Arrows has been reduced.
Coyote: Burning deathfist Arrows - Now with LESS FIRE!
RadarX: See that Rangers? SOE doesn't hate you...oh wait I'm sorry I mean Illusionists. Sorry Rangers.
Coyote: Yeah. SOE doesn't hate you. Everyone ELSE does.
RadarX: Ok so two updates in recent days nerfing arrows. Maybe we should just nerf the Rangers instead.
Note: Citizens of Neriak may now use the power of the Sea Gate to travel to the Nektulos Forest and Thundering Steppes docks. Check it out at the Neriak docks.
Coyote: Behold! The POWER OF THE SEA GATE! *dingle dingle dingle* Dude. It's a frigging BELL.
RadarX: What? I use a continium transfunctioner to open my front door every day. It's about time they got a bell in there. Very nice change.
Coyote: It is a BELL. There is now "Power of the sea gate". It's a frigging bell. If they had power everytime the church bell down the street rang, it would teleport people to Cleveland. .. Ya know? That WOULD get me to go to church...
RadarX: Now we just need a little Dark Elf kid to run around saying "Have you ever seen a Gnoll?"
Note: Your raid force can now clear part of The Emerald Halls, leave, and then come back later to pick up where you left off.
Coyote: But it is still up to you to remember where you were in your whining, bitching, moaning and crying - so keep that notepad handy.
RadarX: Fortunately the guilds who easily burn through this in one session can complain about how easy this makes it before the update begins.
Coyote: Unfortunately the guilds who easily burn through this in one session will die alone, weeping, as they cradle their virginity to their chest.
RadarX: Fortunately there is still hope for them. I mean the 40 year old virgin could happen? Right? Wax your chest people!
Note: Explorers in the Feerrott have found some dark and fearful creatures, and are looking for your help.
Coyote: OOH! Dark *and* fearful?! Do they have huge teeth and promise gory, bloody, screaming death?!? Where do I sign up?!? .... Not really the best advertisement eh? I'd advertise it as "free plat for returning lost bunny". That way when the monster pops and kills them all at least they are surprised. Everyone likes a surprise, right?
RadarX: Is this a reference to the plane of Fear? Will it be opening soon? Do it SOE! Make it happen! Please?
Coyote: The Plane of Fear is working as intended.
RadarX: Which means it'll be nerfed on the PvP servers next update.
Note: The Stormhammer epic quest has been modified in places that were adding frustration more than challenge.
Coyote: Namely the entire quest.
RadarX: I've never been able to get into this quest. Almost the whole quest takes place in Kaladim which smells like wet dog.
Coyote: Smells like wet dog? Are they questing in my Grandmother's house? Hard to sit on the throne of Kaladim when it is covered in that plastic sheet.
RadarX: Well if you didn't pee on the throne...
Note: Items that offer a quest are implicitly LORE, NO-TRADE, NO-VALUE, NO-SACRIFICE and NO-TRANSMUTE
Coyote: You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!
RadarX: I think they added this into the EULA.
Coyote: Burp Charlie! Burp!
RadarX: *sings* What do you get when you dig up some loot? Lots of new rules that will stifle your "Woot!"
Note: "Breaking of the Pact": The portions of this quest that once asked for "a drowned footsoldier" will now accept drowned soldiers of any type.
Coyote: Unless they're French. Then, ya know. No.
RadarX: This might be racist, but they all look the same to me.
Coyote: What do they have against the robot ninjas from TMNT anyway?!
RadarX: It would be like saying "Kill a Stormtrooper..."
Note: Modified effectiveness on certain hate increase/reduction/transfer abilities on scout classes and coercers. This makes all achievements that modify hate more worthwhile, and places slightly more responsibility on predators/rogues in controlling their aggro generation.
Coyote: What?!? Scouts have to be RESPONSIBLE for their ACTIONS?!? They can't just blindly start out with huge DPS and then blame it on the TANK?!?! What kind of world are we playing in!?!?
RadarX: What the...I don't WANT to be responsible. I already had to stop randomly pushing buttons as fast as possible, what do you want from me SOE?!
Coyote: Next they're gunna expect healers to pay attention and stop surfing porn while playing.
RadarX: Whoa! Let's not go punishing healers over this, they don't get a lot of perks.
Note: Carpenters have discovered Steamfont hot springs heating technology!
Coyote: Call me kooky..but isn't "heating technology" fire? And isn't fire BAD for carpentry?
RadarX: Are we going to be seeing mechanical bank boxes as well?
Coyote: Heating technology from a hot spring. Steam isn't heating technology...it's..it's..FRIGGING STEAM!
Note: You can no longer evac charmed players.
Coyote: But holy hell was it funny while it lasted!
RadarX: *laughs* Sorry Coyote we'd have saved you but...you know that whole "bait" thing.
Coyote: Charming them and running them off a cliff is even better. No Mister Warrior, I cannot beat you, but just as I cannot beat you - you cannot beat my friend...gravity.
RadarX: Since when does a player need to be charmed for you to try and run them off a cliff? "Come here Radar, I'm on a little ledge just over the edge."
Note: Food and drink should not force you into PvP combat.
Coyote: Unless yer like huckin' your grub at somebody. Then it totally should.
RadarX: Did you just eat that chocolate in front of Niami Denmother? /duel on
Coyote: How does food force you into combat? Two words. Taco Bell.
RadarX: I can't properly communicate just how much I don't want you to elaborate on that.
Note: Evil Players who die in the Witches' Cove will now have respawn options.
Coyote: Those respawn options are "Bubbling Cauldron of Pain" or "Cage in Candy House". Me? I'd go with the cage, 'cause you know. Candy.
RadarX: See? SOE is all about providing you important options to improve your gameplay.
Coyote: And you know. Candy.
RadarX: If they put you in the cage with the Gingerbread man, watch it. I hear he gets frisky.
Note: The Bowels of the Bonemire quest, in the Claymore quest line, been modified to update on the new place holder mobs as well as the original named mobs that were required for the quest.
Coyote: Loooooots of gerbils in this zone. And...is that a lightbulb?
RadarX: You will no longer have to mine 10 piles of poo to proceed.
Coyote: You don't HAVE to, but ya know. You still CAN if you want.
RadarX: Is SOE always going to be the butt of our jokes? OW! That was funny!
Note: Language quests are slightly different to help clean up unwanted "garbage" loot and excess inventory litter.
Coyote: Nobody wants a CHARLIE in the box! Or a cowboy that rides...an ostrich. And what was wrong with the doll? That creeps me out man. Did she like come to life and kill people? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE DOLL?
RadarX: Great what am I supposed to do with all this inventory space now? Harvesting stuff? Loot? I need full bags!
Coyote: And the squirt gun that squirts grape jelly? No one wants that? NO ONE? HELLO!! Over here Santa!
RadarX: Seriously? Normal cable channels at home? Nothing?
Anyway, that looks like all the time we got folks, so thanks so much for joining us! GU37 should hit Live servers really soon!
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