Live Update Number Twenty Five
EQ2 humor by Coyote Sharptongue
"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news reporting to you LIVE from North Qeynos where a large crowd has gathered in protest. Signs, banners, and angry chants fill the busy street as shopkeepers bar their doors and wary citizens keep cautious distance." A large Kerran reporter holding a microphone yells loudly over the din of an angry mob behind him.
"But what has brought this blood thirsty mass of angry citizens to protest? What dastardly deed has incited such riot and rage in the normally quiet and peaceful city of Qeynos?" He asks while dodging fruit and other debris thrown by the surging crowd.
"Standing with me today is Qeynos citizen, and self proclaimed voice of this angry mob, Nicholas Deerk." The cat-man introduces as the camera pans to a large human Paladin as he hefts a sign and turns towards the reporter.
"We've sat idle LONG ENOUGH Coyotee!" Nicholas cries out, brining a roar of cheer from the crowd. "And we are NOT going to take it a moment longer! DOWN WITH LIVE UPDATE TWENTY FIVE!" He screeches to the delight of his followers who echo his screams.
"Live Update twenty five?" Coyotee asks in confusion. "Pardon me, but I was under the impression that there was nothing even remotely controversial or upsetting about this new update. What are you protesting against?" He asks as he holds the microphone out towards Nick.
"EXACTLY! HOW DARE THEY!" Nicholas screams as he turns towards the crowd. "THEY'VE NERFED THE NERF!" He howls, stirring the crowd into a shrieking frenzy chanting "Nerfed the Nerf!"
The Kerran reporter looks around, a puzzled look darkening his face.
"Are you saying that you are upset because ....you're not upset?" Coyotee asks slowly as Nick turns around nodding.
"Exactly! They can't put out an update that doesn't have controversy or shock value? How DARE they! They've given us nothing to rally over! Nothing to draw us closer against the common enemy! There is NOTHING TO PROTEST!" The Paladin howls into the camera as the reporter looks on.
"....but you are protesting." Coyotee points out as the crowd suddenly settles and grows eerily quiet.
"Um...yeah?" Nick confirms as he looks around nervously.
"How can you have a protest about having nothing to protest about?" The Kerran asks Nicholas Deerk and the gathered mob as he looks on, still obviously confused.
"Extra earring slots?" A voice calls out helpfully from the crowd.
Aww..but they make me feel pretty. A deep voice answers the first.
"No..no..we like those." Nick says dismissively as he waves off the suggestion.
"Oh! The New clothes! They might be all itchy!" Another voice calls out only to be booed down by the crowd.
Taller gnomes? Someone suggests.
"No guild halls?" Yet another voice asks timidly as Nick Deerk's eyes snap open, a smile springing to his lips.
"THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY OUR GUILD HALLS!" Nick howls as the crowd all but explodes in renewed screams.
"You never HAD Guild Halls!" Coyotee points out in annoyance as the crowd quickly quiets again.
"Ahh, but we *wanted* them." Nicholas counters cleverly as the crowd nods in agreement as the look from their leader to the reporter.
Coyotee sighs as he rubs his brow with one massive paw , closing his eyes as he processes the thought.
"You..are.. protesting that they took away something you didn't have in the first place?" The reporter tries to clarify as he speaks in a quiet voice.
"Yes! No! I mean..." Nicholas Deerk looks around at his supporters who eye him expectantly. "We are protesting for our RIGHT to keep the thing that we didn't have that they didn't have the right to take away!" He says drawing slow nods of confused agreement from the mob behind him.
A long moment of awkward silence passes as the mob, their leader, and the Kerran reporter all exchange glances.
You guys have like, *nothing* at all to do, do you? Coyotee asks honestly.
"THEY TOOK OUR HALLS!" Nicholas screams suddenly as he raises his sign to the sky. His cries reignite the crowd as they roar to match his voice.
"I hate my job." The reporter admits to himself as he slowly turns towards the camera.
"Change is inevitable, yet most fear it. Few are willing to accept it, and most go out of their way to avoid it. Yet, take away the thing that they want the most - something to complain about, and they will flock to that denied change, knowing in their heart of hearts that they were robbed...of something." The Kerran shakes his head as he sighs, obviously exhausted by logic.
"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news saying -" Coyotee preludes as Nick jumps in front of him screaming loudly.
"THEY TOOK OUR HALLS!" Nicholas Deerk screams as the crowd surges forward.
"Back to you Tom and Diane." Coyotee sighs as he drops the microphone and walks away, the camera fading to black.
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