Necromancer's Anonymous


EverQuest Humor by Coyote Sharptongue




A gray haired man in an oversized black robe steps up to a podium, his face
cheerful as he looks over a small gathering of similarly clad figures before him
with a smile.


"What an excellent turn out tonight! Hello everyone and welcome to
Necromancer's Anonymous. My name is Fester Darkbane, founder of this group, and
I’m proud to say, a recovering Necromancer. “ The small man introduces as his
eyes quickly scan the sea of faces before him.


“Well! I see a few new faces mixed in with old, so welcome and thank you for
coming! In keeping of tradition, I'd like to have some of the newer members come
up front and introduce themselves. C'mon now, don't be shy. You there, come on
up. And don't worry brother, you are among friends." Fester smiles as he coaxes
a nervous looking human to the speaking platform.


The new Necromancer runs a thin hand through messy blonde hair as he looks
over those gathered with an obvious nervousness.


"Um..uh..Hi. I guess." He stammers as he looks over his shoulder at the
supervising Fester.


"Just tell us who you are, and go from there." The founder coaches, giving a
thumbs up for encouragement.


"Hi everyone. My Name is Lucifer Hatespawn, and...I'm a necromancer." The man
says with a sigh of admittance as he looks back to Fester who nods him on in
support.


"Hi Lucifer." The small group of casters choruses in one voice.


Lucifer smiles slightly, and encouraged he continues with a bit more
confidence.


"Well..I've been a necromancer for a few years now, and I knew that it was
finally time to get some help. “ Lucifer says sadly as he grips the podium and
takes another deep breath.


“I guess I started out like everyone else. You know, little things at first;
a casual raising of the dead at parties, feigning death in line at the DMV..you
know..little harmless things like that." He says with a growing look of shame
and self loathing as he nervously glances back at Fester.


"Go on Lucifer..you can do it." Fester offers as he gives his full
support.


"Well..then it kind of got out of hand. I NEEDED the fix. I NEEDED the power.
I found myself raising every dead body I could. I was hanging out in all the
worst places. Graveyards, funeral homes, and when they weren't available…….pet
stores." Lucifer’s eyes begin to tear up as he chokes back a sob.


"Have you ever SEEN Zombie goldfish? They’re not PRETTY! " He cries as he
goes on, his tears streaking his face as he grips the podium.


"Then..then..I was just consumed. My friends tried stepping in and I killed
them..raising their bodies to serve as my pet. I even root/dotted the mailman
when he delivered my copy of NecroHooters late. When I began to fear kite the
paper boy for kicks…I knew.. I knew I needed help." Looking up with tears
streaking his face, Lucifer looks over the crowd as they watch in stony
silence.


Placing his hands firmly on the Necromancer’s shoulders, Fester offers the
crying man a half hug as he gently escorts him away from the podium.


"Thank you Lucifer..I know that took a lot. Trust me, you are on the road to
recovery my friend. Have a seat. BlackBlood Heartrender will bring you some
cocoa and animal crackers." Fester softly instructs as the sniffling Lucifer
follows a hulking Necromancer towards a table full of warm goodies.


"Who's next?" Fester asks as he looks around his eyes settling on a portly
gnome in the front row.


"You there, come on up friend. Tell us your story." Fester prods gently,
allowing the next Necromancer to move up to the speaking platform. Moving back
to his seat, Fester watches in silence as the chubby little man speaks.


"Hello..everyone. My name is Fred and I'm a Necr-" Fred begins but is cut off
by the entire group as they begin to snicker and giggle.


A Dark Elf Necromancer stands up in the back of the small crowd and addresses
the gnome.


"Did you just say your name was FRED?" The Dark Elf asks with a chuckle as he
looks at the other audience members incredulously for back up.


"Uh..yes. My name is Fred." Fred confirms in confusion as he answers the
confrontational Dark Elf.


"What? Fred? That's IT? Just Fred? Not Fred HeartRot, or Fred BurningBlood?
Just FRED?" The audience member asks, sitting back down as those gathered
attempt to hide their titters and laughter.


"Um. No. Actually my last name is Sanford. Fred Sanford." Fred informs in
annoyance as he frowns at the gigglers.


The crowd immediately erupts in an uproar of laughter as the Gnome waits
patiently for the outbursts to die down with an obvious growing anger.


"Your name is FRED SANFORD? What's your mount? A beat up pickup truck?" The
Dark Elf yells out, almost falling out of his chair with laughter as the entire
meeting laughs even harder, even the normally serious Fester suppressing a tiny
giggle.


"Yes. Yes. Sanford and Son. I get it. Look. I'm here because I need help. Can
we look past the joking for just a minute here?" Fred pleads as he looks over
his assembled peers imploringly.


Composing himself, Fester holds up his hands angrily and the giggling
instantly quiets.


"I apologize Brother Fred.” The leader of the meeting says in sincere tones.
“Of course we can can continue……..you big dummy!" Fester finishes in his best
Fred Sanford voice before succumbing to another fit of laughter.


Throwing his hands up in defeat as the room erupts with laughter, Fred
blushes crimson in frustration as the Dark Elf stands back up.


"So..is your pet's name Lemont?" The Dark Elf asks as he falls back out of
his chair, causing several of the room's occupants to gasp in pain as they laugh
loudly at Fred’s expense.


"STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" Fred yells waving his fist in the air. “I DEMAND YOUR
RESPECT! YOU WILL STOP LAUGHING THIS INSTANT!” He roars angrily as he threats
the crowd.


The entire room is in chaos as Necromancers fall to the floor left and right
as they laugh at the gnome waving his fist in the air.


"Oh 'Lizbeth..it's a big one..." The Dark Elf manages to squeak out before
falling back to the floor, his face a deep shade of purple.


Gathering his robes around him and mustering as much dignity as he could,
Fred walked through the sea of laughter and out of the room – effectively ending
any chance a recovering Necromancer had for help.


end


To read the latest guides, news, and features you can visit our EverQuest II Game Page.

Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

Comments