Pirates Unfairly Stereotyped

EQ2 Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue

"Swashbucklers, Brigands, Buccaneers or Rogues, call them what you will - but
all of these colorful titles still bring forth a single image. Pirate." A large
Kerra holding a microphone stands on the shores of a white sand beach as he
looks into a television camera.

"Pirates. The Scourge of the Sea: These murderers, robbers, and thieves have
a reputation for debauchery, mayhem and violence. But is it a fair stereotype?
Do these seasoned sea goers deserve our fear and whispered tales, or are they,
like so many others, simply misunderstood. This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten
Ton Hammer news, bringing you the TRUE story." The cat man smiles as he walks
the shore of the beach, soft waves lapping at his feet.

"Today we broadcast to you live from the tropical climate of the Sinking
Sands, the beach front to the legendary Maj'Dul, where we have gathered on a
small water surrounded stretch of land that we'll call , for ease, Pirate
Island." Coyotee smiles as he turns, the camera panning with him to show a small
group of Pirates standing nearby.

"Standing with me today, are the inhabitants of this island. Not the blood
thirsty madmen from tales, but honest, some would say even gentle businessmen
who want to , not only dispatch this horrific stereotype, but offer in return a
community service and even a place of rest. Gentlemen, if you would introduce
yourselves." The reporter prompts and the camera focuses in on the small group
of men.

"YAARR! We be honored ta be makin' yer acquaintance Mister Coyotee sir." The
obvious leader of the small group smiles, his gold plated teeth glistening in
the sun. "I be Goldtooth tha' Cutthroat, and here be me mates; Black Tom tha'
Heartless, Greenbeard tha Cruel, One-eyed Pete tha Babykiller, an' Terrance."
The Pirate introduces proudly as the men behind him growl and nod at the camera
as their names are called out.

"Terrance?" Coyotee asks as he looks the motley crew over. "Terrance isn't a
very...piratey name is it?" He asks with genuine curiosity.

"Gaar. We know we know." Goldtooth admits with a sigh. "He be me nephew an' I
promised his ma' tha' we be lookin' out fer him on tha account tha' he not be
right in tha head." He whispers to the reporter in confidence.

"SHIVER ME JELLYBEAN TACOS!" Terrance calls out loudly, causing the other
pirates to look away in embarrassment.

"So, Gentlemen. You wish to do away with the stereotyping and the tales of
villainy, but to what purpose?" Coyotee asks quickly steering the conversation
back on topic.

"Yaar! Ya see Mister Coyotee sir, we pirates be gettin' a BAD name. We ain't
tha cruel, heartless, baby killin' cutthroats tha' people think. We be nothin'
but humble merchants tryin' ta eek out an' honest livin'." The pirate leader
says remorsefully as he holds his hat to his chest.

"But...your names are Cruel, Heartless, Babykiller and Cutthroat." Coyotee
points out as he nods to each of the men. "Don't you think that sends a..mixed
message?" He asks as the pirates grumble amongst themselves.

"Haar haar haar! That jus' be a bit of SHOWMANSHIP Mister Coyotee!" Goldtooth
laughs loudly as he claps the reporter on the back. "Ya see, we be openin' up a
Pirate themed resort an' health spa here on 'Pirate Island'." He laughs as he
splays his hands before him spreading them out as if reading a banner.

"We be puttin' up flyers an' banners, an' Greenbeard even got us a web banner
on tha' there internetty." The Pirate Leader laughs as the reporter relaxes

"A health spa and resort. Well you certainly picked the right location!" The
reporter admits with a chuckle. "Why you even have your first customer!" He
grins as he points to a cautiously approaching figure.

A nervous looking nobleman approaches, flyer in hand as he smiles, towards
the group of pirates.

"Is this the right place for a seaweed and kelp facial and complimentary
yogurt waxing?" The nobleman asks hopefully as he reads from the colorful paper
in his hands.

"YAAARRR!!!" The Pirates yell in unison as the fall upon the man, cutlasses
and rapiers glinting in the blaring sunlight as they hack the hapless nobleman
to pieces in a bloody frenzy.

howls as the man falls dead at his feet. The pirates then go about looting the
man's still twitching corpse as they chuckle and elbow each other good
naturedly, forgetting for the moment about the camera, the reporter, and their

"Ahem." Coyotee says impatiently as he clears his throat.

Several of the pirates look up sheepishly as the gang moves back towards the

"What was that?" The reporter asks in a chastising voice.

"Um..we...uh.." Goldtooth looks around with a guilty smile before looking at
his feet.

"Let me guess. The spa, the resort, and the relaxing atmosphere are just a
cover to get more people to come to your island so that you can murder and
pillage from the comfort of your own back yard , is that it?" Coyotee asks
sternly as several of the pirates shrug and Goldtooth nods a reluctant yes.

Shaking his head, the reporter waggles a lecturing finger as he addresses the

"I'm ASHAMED of you. Robbing and pillaging and MURDERING innocent tourists
looking for a.." He grabs the blood stained flyer and reads from it. "..mango
salsa massage and mud bath? You ought to be ashamed." Coyotee says crossly as
the pirates look even guiltier.

"You should be REMORSEFUL." The reporter says even louder, bringing nods of
yes and more guilt.

"You ought to be-" Coyotee is cut off by Goldtooth who looks up with a

"We'll cut ya in with twenty-five percent offa tha top." The Pirate leader

"Thirty." Coyotee counters flatly.

"Done." Goldtooth nods.

Turning towards the camera the reporter smiles brightly as he puts his arms
around the group of blood thirsty pirates.

"So COME ON DOWN to Pirate ISLAND today! It's our GRAND OPENING and remember!
You get a SPECIAL discount if you tell them COYOTEE SENT YOU!" The reporter
advertises bringing a roar of approval from the group of pirates who start
cheering loudly.

"NIPPLES IN ME UNDERPANTS!" Terrance chimes in with a weird impromptu dance
as the camera and the commercial, slowly fade to black.


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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016