Snakes On A Plane of Fear
EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue
The sound of a gavel hitting well worn wood exploded through the murky chamber like an unexpected crack of thunder. Through out the converted church the noise echoed, rumbling its end. Once a place of worship and praise - now a bastardized version of its once former glory, the chapel served a new purpose; A meeting place of evil.
Ransacked equally by time and vandals, the meeting place held little remembrance of its previous life. What few religious symbols that remained had been desecrated, and its pristine white walls now lay in decay as harsh black scratchings of vulgar runes to deities better left unmentioned marred their surfaces like festering wounds. The altar itself remained, now used as a macabre podium that served only to preach the vile words of evil. Its audience sat silently in a number of hastily up righted pews, their visages hidden by the hoods of the heavy dark robes that they all wore. Their heads and hidden eyes focused on their leader, an imposing figure in robes as black as night as he stood behind the alter, a pale hand playing idly over one of many well polished skulls that graces the surface before him. Upon his hooded head a crown of wicked horns had been placed, their tips gleaming crimson, sinisterly hinting at both the blood and pain of any that would dare break the silence.
"BROTHERS!" He cried out, his gravely voice rumbling as powerfully and as suddenly as the gavel's own thunderous boom.
"Time and time again we have sought to bring the simpering fools of Qeynos to their knees, and time and time again we FAIL." The leader growls in barely contained rage as he leans forward, his unseen eyes boring through the very soul of those gathered before him.
"But no more..." He promises with a hiss as his fists clench in rage.
Unmoving, his brethren look on, knowing that to deny their failure, or to point out the short comings of their leader would serve only to bring his full attention down upon them like the wrath of the gods themselves.
"The Plane of Fear has been rediscovered, and as we speak, its portals uncovered." He explains as he paces the speaking platform slowly. "And now is the time in which we strike." He finishes with an evil chuckle.
"Command us Oh Great One, Command us, and we will not fail." One of the loyal from the pews cries out in zealous, his own voice wavering with fanaticism.
Ignoring the outburst the Leader nods once as if to forgive the interruption and smiles wickedly from the depths of his hood.
"We will help uncover these artifacts, and we will teach the fools of Norrath how to use them, but with a single added twist." He explains as he holds up a blood red gem.
"When inserted into the portal, this gem will trap any who enter it upon the Plane of Fear, but a Plane of Fear of our choosing." The leader allows another evil chuckle as he examines the gem. "Vipers, Cobras, Asps, and Pythons shall greet them, for as they lay trapped in our construct, they do so with the most poisonous and deadly reptiles known to man." Please with himself he leans in dramatically as he sneers at his audience.
"They will NEVER expect Snakes On A Plane...of fear." He growls as he lets the horror of his plan sink in.
The silence is broken as a snorting snicker escapes one of the brethren. Elbowed harshly by his neighbor too slowly, the wrath of their leader rains down upon him.
"YOU DARE LAUGH AT THIS HELL UNLEASHED?" The speaker's voice booms out in a deafening roar. "You find SNAKES ON A PLANE OF FEAR AMUSING?" He asks in unleashed rage only to be interrupted by another snicker from yet another of the brethren.
"Dude..Snakes on a Plane..of fear?" The original giggler asks incredulously as he leans forward, his question bringing more outbursts of laughter.
Taken aback the leader's imposing stance instantly melts into one of uncertainty.
"What's so funny about Snakes on a plane of fear?" He asks innocently as he looks between them confused. His question only fuels the laughter.
"Nothing Mr. Jackson! We're sorry! Don't go all Pulp Fiction on us!" Comes the response as the entire audience of robed figures break out in laughter.
"Do you know what they call Snakes on a Plane of Fear in Qeynos?" One of the faithful says in mock tones as he turns to the hooded visage beside him.
"They don't call it Snakes on a Plane of Fear?" Comes the sarcastic reply.
"No, they call it Venomous Reptiles on a Parallel Dimension that gravitates towards induced phobias. Ain't that some classy shi-" The answer is cut off mid curse by an eruption from the altar.
"ENOUGH! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS INSOLENCE!" Roars the Leader as he slams both fists down in rage upon the altar causing several candles and skulls to topple with the force.
"Settle down Mace Windu." The original heckler commands, causing more stifled laughter.
A glare from the horned leader silences the tittering crowd. After a long moment and several angry glares the leader breathes in deeply to speak, only to notice that one of the faithful has slowly raised his hand in gesture of permission to speak.
"WHAT?" He growls out impatiently as the figure with the raised hand looks around cautiously.
"You said that there would be donuts." He points out in a small voice as he lowers his hand.
"I LIED." The leader growls dismissingly as he breathes in deep to speak once more.
"Dude, you lied about the donuts? WEAK. You don't LIE about donuts man..." The first interrupter chastises drawing like minded comments and general agreement from those around him.
"We are an EVIL ORGANIZATION HELL BENT ON THE DESTRUCTION OF QEYNOS, ANTONIA BAYLE, and all that is GOOD! Not a frickin' KRISPY KREME FRANCHISE!" The leader roars in anger.
"You don't have to yell Mr. Glass, we're right here." Another of the robed followers informs, bringing yet more laughter.
"Okay..okay..look. Maybe Snakes on a Plane of Fear wasn't a good idea." The leader sighs, shrinking in size once more as he tries to gain control of the meeting. "But people are afraid of snakes, and I figured they'd tie in nicely with fear. I don't see any of YOU coming up with ideas." He says with a pout as he slumps against the altar.
"What about Sharks?" A voice cries out.
"I think we'll need a bigger boat." Another responds as the audience explodes in fresh giggles and laughter. The din of conversation and movie catch phrases drown out the group's leader as he tries to speak. With a sigh of defeat he simply turns and leaves. Walking towards the exit as he pulls off of his robes and ornamental crown of power he looks back at the group of laughing evil doers with a regretful sigh.
"You guys *SUCK*." He admonishes with a sniffle as he slumps at the shoulders, leaving the building....and once more Qeynos, safe...
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