"Tales from Kunark"

EQ2 Humor by Coyote

A large cat man stands on a dock near the ocean as he absently bats at a large metal bell. Upon seeing the camera, he looks up with a smile and nods.

"The newest expansion, Rise of Kunark is upon us, and doing extremely well. In fact, I'm just about to head over there now!" He grins as he looks at his wrist.

"While you would expect us to have interview after interview with new faces, explanations of new zones, maps and tales of the strange and exotic creatures you might see....there have been some issues." The Kerran chuckles as he leans against the bell post.

"So sit back, relax, and enjoy our latest chapter of Bloopers and Blunders from the Rise of Kunark! Chock full of pain, agony, and defeat. And let's face it! That's why you're here!" He laughs loudly as he waves goodbye.

"Enjoy!" He grins as the camera fades to a large number three which begins to count down.




"Religion. Obsession. Cults. These words are often used when describing the pagan acts of those who believe differently from the norm. But are such labels fair? Even the most reputedly evil organizations have rank, hierarchy - order. So when we looked deeper into the seedy underbelly of the new lands, we were surprised with what we found. This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer, bringing you our on location live report." A large cat man holding a microphone nods towards the camera before turning to the heavily robed Iksar at his side.

"Standing with me today is local occultist and religious figure...." Looking at his notes the Kerran frowns slightly. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure how to pronounce this." He says with an embarrassed smile. "Please, for our viewers, introduce yourself." Coyotee asks as he holds the microphone outward.

"/\ / > # \\ +}#&&/-\ " The large lizard man says with a smile.

Blinking rapidly Coyotee looks around in confusion before slowly turning back to his guest.

"I'm sorry...what was that?" The cat man asks hesitantly as the Iksar laughs lightly and shakes his head.

"/\ / > # \\ +}#&&/-\ " The hulking figure repeats with a wink as he elbows the Kerran good naturedly and offers a knowing chuckle .

Rolling his eyes in frustration Coyotee looks off camera towards an unseen crew.

"REALLY? Another (censored) language quest? I mean REALLY? How many freaking languages am I expected to know?" The reporter asks angrily as he throws his hands in the air in frustration. "I mean, couldn't you guys have checked to see if freak-a-do here spoke common before scheduling the interview?" He sighs as he whines at the production staff.

Frowning slightly as he looks between Coyotee and the unseen crew, the robed Iksar turns towards the Kerran and offers an apologetic smile.

"# // \\ /\/\ ^^ + ?" The lizard man asks, slightly tilting his head.

"Sorry mush mouth - I gotta go learn Wingdings or whatever freaky-deaky language yer gibbering at me in before I can ask you about your lame ass cult of baby eaters." Coyote says sarcastically as he drops the microphone and stomps off set leaving the large creature alone in front of the camera.

Bending slowly to pick up the microphone, the Iksar examines the item before turning to the camera crew.

"Wow...what a jerk." The lizard man says in perfect common as he watches the tantruming reporter storm off.




A confused looking cat man stares blankly at a large fold-out map as he scratches his head. Turning towards a Sarnak Griffon Trainer he shakes his head and points to the rumpled paper.

"So wait. I'm here, and I need to take a griffin to HERE." He says pointing at the map. "And then once I get to that griffin, I have to go all the way over HERE to take a griffin to get to where I want to go?" The Kerran asks for clarification as his large clawed finger darts over the map.

"No. You need to go here, grab a griffin, take it to here, run over there, grab another griffin, take it to HERE, run up over this hill and past this stream - and THEN you are where you wanna be." The Sarnak clarifies as the overwhelmed looking Kerran simply shakes his head.

"These new zones are just too freaking big." He says in defeat as he begins to fold up his map.

"Um. Technically, you're not in the zone yet until you go from here to here and pop on this griffin over here." The dinosaur man explains as he quickly points out a few more locations before the Kerran can fold up his map.

Staring at the half folded map in disbelief, the cat man slowly turns to the Sarnak and shakes his head.

"You know what? I'm just going to go play Portal." The Kerran says with a chuckle as he tosses the map to the ground. "At least THEY have cake." He adds as he walks off.

"THE CAKE IS A LIE!" The Sarnak calls after him as the camera quickly cuts to static.




"Games, amusement - competition. These words alone are what bring countless youngsters rushing to these darkened woods in hopes of gaining a victory, and maybe even a little notoriety amongst their peers. But what IS this game that is sweeping Norrath, and how did it begin? This is Coyotee Sharptongue with Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you the TRUE story." A large Kerran holding a microphone grins into the camera as he turns towards an eager looking Sarnak.

"Standing with me today is local Chokemon..." The cat man stops as he frowns in annoyance at the card in his hand. Looking up at the smiling Sarnak beside him, he sets his jaw and takes a deep breath?"

"Chokemon?" Coyotee asks in level tones.

"Yesss! CHOKEMON! Gotta trap them all! HAHA!" The Sarnak cackles as he rubs his hands together excitedly.

A long moment of silence pass as the two men simply look at each other wordless. With a sudden and unprovoked movement Coyotee moves forward and violently kicks the Sarnak in the groin, sending the man toppling to the ground.

"NO! BAD! NOT FUNNY!" The reporter roars as he points a finger at the prone lizard man who rocks from side to side in agony, his hands clasped firmly over his nether regions.

"BAD!" The reporter growls as he gives another half hearted kick with the side of his foot as the camera quickly cuts to static.




A large lizard man is arguing with an equally mammoth cat man as they both seem unable to come to agreement. Stepping forward the Kerran shakes his head emphatically and states his point with a growl.

"You are INSANE lizard boy. Kerrans get SPEED, both in and out of combat. Do you know how valuable a sudden burst of speed can be? It has saved my fuzzy ass a thousand times. KERRANS get the best racial abilities!" The feline figure spits as the scaled man all but laughs in his face.

"You are as deluded as you are riddled with FLEAS you walking throw rug." The giant lizard man growls back. "I can stay submerged underwater INDEFINITELY. No more items, potions, or spells expiring. That ALONE, beats your little burst of speed. Not to mention *I* can turn invisible. Can you do that you mangy pile of fur?" He asks rhetorically. "I didn't THINK so, so IKSAR have the best racial ability. " He finishes with an angry hiss.

"You're NUTS you slimy wanna be frog. KERRANS HAVE THE BEST!" The cat man screams as he comes nose to nose-slit with the Iksar.

"You are LYING TO YOURSELF you shedding hair ball!" The Iksar bellows back. "IKSAR HAVE THE BEST!" He growls dangerously.

"KERRA!" The Kerran roars.

"IKSAR!" The Iksar screeches.

Both men take an offensive stance and seem almost ready to come to blows as a naked dwarf runs by, spilling ale in a froth of white foam as he giggles mischievously. Taken aback by the naked man, the would be combatants step back in confusion as an equally naked Barbarian runs by, a mug of ale in each hand as he screams at the top of his lungs.

"FREEEEE BEEEEER!" The naked man shouts as he and the dwarf laugh insanely and start dousing each other in the bubbling liquid.

Suddenly looking very, very sad, both the Iksar and Kerran slump their shoulders and sigh.

"Awwww." They say together as they watch the antics of the drunken pair before them with envy.


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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016