With GU39 right up around the
corner, we thought that we’d take the time to read carefully through
the patch notes so that we’d be better prepared for the changes that
But we got really bored and
decided to start mocking them instead.
With apologies, we bring you,
– The Day The Patch Notes Stood Still
The Shard of Fear is now
open for adventurous groups to explore.
Coyote: Isn't a shard like a small broken
piece? Yay! Look kids! Free TETANUS SHOTS!
RadarX: It's this years new holiday craze!
Bag o' shards! See, what ya got here is your basic bag of broken glass.
Coyote: Finished! Finally! I TOTALLY sharded....wait..
RadarX: You don't have a shard of dignity
left do you? OW! Hey that was funny sorta...
Further sighting of mysterious
visitors from Kunark have occurred in the waters near Freeport and Qeynos.
See Admiral Marc Grenich in Qeynos Harbor and Livia Montellus in Freeport
East to join in the investigations of these visitors.
Coyote: Rumor has it that they have green
skin, big dark eyes, and are fond of gathering data through rectal probes.
RadarX: Did you just say what I...*sigh*
I'm assuming this is precursor to Rise of Kunark content and NOT something
that involves a cavity search.
Coyote: Dude. Always assume that it involves
a cavity search. Be prepared. Better paranoid than surprised.
RadarX: Remind me never to go with you to
"The Tablets of the
Blademaster" quest no longer requires that the player be in the
Pillars of Flame zone to examine the spirit vessel.
Coyote: However, if you are "Examining
the Spirit Vessel" you should tell your mother that you have a
lot of home work and lock your bedroom door while playing really loud
RadarX: I think I saw you in a video on YouTube.
Coyote: I'm examining the Spirit Vessel! WHY
DO YOU ALWAYS BOTHER ME WHEN I'M EXAMINING THE SPIRIT VESSEL?!
RadarX: Something tells me that you’ve already
mastered THAT particular quest.
The Valley of the Magi instance
off of the Commonlands should be functioning properly again.
Coyote: Unlike the Valley of the Shadow of
Death instance which is still bugged as whenever it gets really hard,
it only leaves only one set of foot prints.
RadarX: *shakes his head* This is why
bad things happen to you. And I think that is “Footprints”
not the Valley of Death you heathen.
Coyote: Patch notes, now with 50% more blasphemy!
RadarX: Ten Ton Hammer takes no responsibility
for any readers who are struck dead by lightening for encouraging him.
The Misty Mustang whistles
should now summon pinto looking Misty Mustangs instead of Elddarian
Coyote: Masculinity not included. Some Nancy-ness
RadarX: Look...just go play the My Little
Pony MMO. We are not going to judge you. Much.
Coyote: He’s not. I totally am. Maybe next
update you can get a quest for a big comb so you can brush out and braid
RadarX: P.S. Zwinky is not a real MMO.
The quest "A Portrait
of Destiny" can no longer be shared.
Coyote: Because it's MINE! MINE! ALL MINE!
RadarX: Apparently the Devs never embraced
the PBS inspired notions of sharing.
Coyote: EverQuest II is brought to you today
by the letters "W, T, and F" and by the number "0MG J00
RadarX: They are ganking Mr. Hooper as we speak.
RUN FOREST RUN!
Vhalen's Tools can now be
examined outside of the Acadechism for a quest update.
Coyote: But make sure you buy him dinner first.
RadarX: Or lots of whiskey.
Coyote: And tell him that he's pretty. He
RadarX: Don’t we all Coyote…don’t we
Server Performance Improvements
for dungeons and raid encounters.
Coyote: So unhide those pets and start up
the fireworks in celebration folks because....wait...what’s with the
lag? Why did we just wipe?
RadarX: Without lag now the raiders are going
to start complaining stuff is easy again.
Coyote: Back in my day we had lag and we LIKED
IT! It made raiding challenging! That's it! We're all going back to
RadarX: Are you, Coyote, who’s e-mail address
is [email protected] , saying we should restrict the bandwidth
of the most powerful guilds in the game? I am appalled sir. Appalled.
If I were in said guilds, I would be angry enough to write you nasty
letters at [email protected] to express my anger.
Usable Items that are not
usable from inventory will always show darkened out while not equipped.
Coyote: Unusable items that are usable will
now be unusable until you use them.
RadarX: That sentence tasted crisp. Almost
metallic. Like chewing on lead.
Coyote: It was issued in an EXCLUSIVE by the
Ministry of Redundancy.
RadarX: Your exclusivity keeps the exclusive
from becoming excluded in this feature.
Deity pets can now be used
along with collection pets.
Coyote: Much to the delight of raid leaders
everywhere. MORE FIREWORKS IN CELEBRATION!!
RadarX: Yup you are going to be THAT guy aren't
Coyote: Look! Look! I named all of my pets
"Lag"! ...guys? I just got accidentally dropped from the raid.
RadarX: Look I named my pet after the guy
we are assisting! Yay! Hey, why isn’t anyone attacking the mob?
Pets with random names will
now persist that name through zoning.
Coyote: And that name is Keyser Soze.
RadarX: Great so the guy who names their pet
"Zomgipwnu" won't have to redo it? Sweet!
Coyote: Paranoid Schizophrenics playing the
game must have been flipping out. I'm telling you that ISN'T MY PET!
NO! I'm not crazy, you're ALL CRAZY! THAT ISN’T MISTER TINKLES!!
RadarX: What are the OCD people who actually
went to the trouble going to do now? No pet to name...must name
pet...YOU! You are now Sir Kibbles!
Provisioners now have a
recipe for prickly pear pie, and no longer have two different recipes
for prickly pear cookies.
Coyote: Mah mouf mah beh bweedin, buh mehn
veeve coogies ah GWEAT!
RadarX: Instead of a glass of milk you get
a box of Band-Aids.
Coyote: Made from..you guessed it...PRICKLY
RadarX: They stick REALLY well.
Carpenters, inspired by
the Night of the Dead, have begun researching new and sinister furniture
items. A limited selection is now available with more development
expected to yield further results in the future!
Coyote: Items include the End Table of Death,
the Bookshelf of Pure Evil, and anything in the "Ikea"
RadarX: Many woodcrafters...died to bring
us these plans.
Coyote: We're currently working on a large
RadarX: To be followed by a MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM!
Oh like you didn't see that coming...
Harvested items will now
display the level of recipes they are used in.
Coyote: Yay! More things to distract you from
the fact that you are about to be ganked while harvesting!
RadarX: Different icons, help information.
You'd almost think they are trying to make trade-skilling EASY now.
Coyote: Hey…I just accidentally combined
two items and dinged as a 50 provisioner..what the hell?
RadarX: That’s [email protected] you trade-skillers! Haha! Him, not
Coyote: At least they’ll be WELL CRAFTED
Mystic: Weapon Mastery should
now improve the dps, max health, attributes and crushing skill of the
Coyote: And for the six people who play mystics,
there was much rejoicing. Yay.
RadarX: What kind of buff IS this? "You
guys are kinda hurting so we're just gonna...well we're going to boost
Coyote: Great. With this obviously over-powered
buff, ONES of people are going to be rushing out and making Mystics.
RadarX: This is why you never get buffs.
Clarified the Slaughter
spell scrolls to be Assassin: Slaughter and Berserker: Slaughter to
Coyote: Sergeant Slaughter however will remain
unchanged. YO JOE!
RadarX: The WWF is dead my friend. Let
Coyote: Hehe. He wore a Smokey the Bear hat
and yelled a lot.
RadarX: I'm guessing when you examine the
scrolls and they said "Assassin" or "Berserker"
too many people were just getting confused.
Spells that summon multiple
limited pets will display that information more concisely in the tool
Coyote: And the award for best use of the
word "concisely" in a patch note goes to...
RadarX: Correctly, accurately ...Concisely?
I'm impressed. I feel like we should be calculating angles in
Coyote: I was told that there would be no
RadarX: You were not concisely informed.
You can no longer relinquish
your home. Instead, while moving go to your new home and buy it,
your items will be moved into the new home.
Coyote: In Soviet Norrath, Lease breaks YOU!
RadarX: So SOE has solved the homeless problem
in Norrath? Nice!
Coyote: Either that or they just invented
the first ever in-game slum lords.
RadarX: Why am I envisioning a GM sitting
in a fancy house in SQ listening to someone from an inn room in Greystone
pleading to be let out of their lease?
When you run out of a charged
item (* totem) the tool tip will no longer say "Charges: 5 / 5"
it will instead say "Charges:0/5" to reduce confusion.
Coyote: And when you die the game will no
longer display the message "Dude, you are still totally alive"
to reduce confusion.
RadarX: I guess the totem DISAPPEARING doesn't
give away that it's out of charges.
Coyote: No..it..it..still had charges…my
RadarX: Wow! Short patch notes this update!
We’re done already! Say goodnight Smeagol .
Coyote: Stupid..fat filsy filsy patcheses…
RadarX: Right. Thanks for joining us folks!
We’ll see you in game!
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