The Estate of Unrest Player Housing

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

"Housing. One of the basic needs that every creature upon the face of Norrath
cannot live without." A large cat man holding a microphone stares intently into
the camera as he gestures to a pair of large doors that grace the mansion behind
him.

"But with the ever growing population of Norrath, what happens when the
available housing gets too crowded? Apartments cluttered with the noise of
neighbors, townhouse entryways slowed by the bustling mass of occupants trying
to reach their homes; it can be downright annoying. And it's time for new
housing options." The Kerran smiles as he turns slightly and gestures to the
impressive building behind him as a nervous looking man holding a clipboard
moves towards him. "This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing
you this Exclusive look at the new housing available." He says proudly as he
turns towards the shaky looking human.

"Standing with me today is local Qeynos Real Estate Agent, and Housing
Specialist George Lutz who has agreed to give us the first ever tour of the new
Mansion in the town of Unrest, available to adventurers with a little extra gold
to spend." Coyotee chuckles as he nods towards George.

George Lutz pushes up his glasses with an unsteady hand as he offers a forced
smile to the camera.

"It's a mansion. It's big. Can we go now?" George asks quickly as he throws
nervous eyes towards the large house.

"Not exactly a veteran to the sales game eh George?" Coyotee laughs as he
puts an arm around the thin man. "What else can you tell us about this home?" He
asks as the two men turn to face the house.

"T-this house? Oh..um..n-not much." George stammers as he looks through is
paperwork. "This is th-the old Quellborn Estate. It's um..n-new to the market.
Just came up for r-rent yesterday." The Agent stutters as he keeps throwing
nervous glances to the home.

"Well lets go on in so that you can give the viewers at home the grand tour
eh?" Coyotee prods as he takes a step towards the mansion.

George doesn't move, but pales visibly.

"What?! I'm not going IN THERE!" The Real Estate Agent yelps as Coyotee
eyeballs him suspiciously.

"Why not?" The Kerran asks as he shoots a glance towards his camera man
before approaching the Real Estate Agent. Raising a brow he regards the little
man as his demeanor shifts from friendly to inquiring.

"Is there something WRONG with the mansion? Is there something you aren’t'
telling us?" Coyotee asks as George looks through his paperwork as if avoiding
the question.

"W-wrong? No..nonono. Everything is FINE with the home." George forces a
large smile as his eyes dart to the house. "Um..I..I just don't have the KEY
with me and..." He begins to apologize as the front door audibly unlatches and
opens slightly with an eerie creek.

"It looks like it was left unlocked!" Coyotee brightens considerably at their
luck as he moves towards the front door, the reluctant salesman following with a
whimper.

Stepping inside the large building the camera crew pans through the
impressive foyer as Coyotee turns and smiles, closing the door behind them. As
the door latches closed George lets out another whimper.

Taking in the beautiful architecture and design Coyotee breathes in
appreciatively as George relaxes visibly at normality of the home and puts on a
large salesman's smile.

"It's beautiful." Coyotee says in amazement as the salesman's smile grows
slightly.

"And it can be all yours!" George grins as he sweeps a hand through the air,
showcasing the Mansion.

"How many rooms?" The Reporter asks in awe as he looks around, obviously
taken with the home.

"Geeeeeet Oooooouuuuuuuuut." A raspy disembodied voice echoes without
warning.

"Over a hundred and fifty!" George says with a large smile cemented on his
face, obviously ignoring the voice.

"What was that?" Coyotee asks quickly as he looks around in alarm.

"What was what?" The Sales Agent asks innocently.

"GEEEEET OOOOOOOOOUUUUUT!!!" The phantom voice roars causing the entire party
to jump visibly.

"THAT!" The Reporter exclaims as he spins nervously trying to find the source
of the voice.

"House settling." George says flatly as he turns, moving further into the
mansion.

"House settling?!?" Coyotee asks in disbelief. "That wasn't the house
settling! It was a voice telling us to GET OUT!" He exclaims, moving quickly to
catch up with his tour guide.

"No no no." George laughs uneasily. "That was the wind. Echoes through the
house as it settles. Makes for odd sounds." He assures as he puts a hand to his
mouth.

"OoOOoh. Geeet ouuut." George wails under his breath before looking around.
"See? Just the house." He smiles as Coyotee relaxes slightly.

"Oh...well..heh." The Kerran laughs slightly as he blushes under his fur.
"Don't I feel silly." He bemuses as he follows the Salesman. "Where are we
going?" He asks as George pushes open a large set of double doors revealing a
breath taking bar.

The oaken counter stretches the length of the room as rows of dusty bottles
line the shelves.

"As you can see, the Mansion comes with a fully stocked and operational
tavern, INSIDE your home." George chuckles as Coyotee and the camera crew step
inside. "No more going out for those late night nips eh?" He asks, elbowing the
reporter with a chuckle.

Laughing slightly the Kerran winks back as he looks over the bar.

"FULLY stocked you say?" Coyotee chuckles as the camera pans to the oak bar
top. "What types of AAAAHHHH!!! OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!!" Screams in fright as
a ghostly figure appears behind the bar and stares menacingly at the party.

"Oh..um..bad lighting." George says quickly as he looks around. "Horrible
lighting in this place, but we can fix it." He smiles reassuringly. "Let me show
you the game room." He adds quickly, but the reporter refuses to move.

"That's not BAD LIGHTING! LOOK! IT'S TAKING OF ITS HEAD!" Coyotee screams as
the ghostly bartender reaches up and rips off its own head, dangling it at the
party as it's mouth opens in a ghastly scream.

"Yooooou aaaarrree nooot weeeellllcooommmee. GEEEET OOOOOUUUT!" The specter
wails as the small Sales Agent steps forward.

"Boy, this house is really settling isn't it?" George says loudly, talking
over the ghost's howling as Coyotee sets his jaw and looks down at the small
man.

"Is this house haunted?" Coyotee asks angrily as the Real Estate Agent feigns
shock.

"Haunted? Don't be ABSURD!" George says with a forced laugh as if the very
idea amused him. "Why would you ask THAT?" He asks innocently as he tries to
impose himself between the phantom and the reporter.

"Oh I don't know..." The reporter drawls sarcastically. "Maybe the
disembodied voice screaming for us to leave? Perhaps the ghostly bartender
RIPPING OFF HIS OWN HEAD." He growls but trails off as his eyes go wide, looking
past the Agent. "Or maybe its the dozen or so ROTTING ZOMBIES lumbering towards
us!" He points past the man and steps back nervously.

Glancing over his shoulder quickly, George's eyes widen in shock before his
facade washes back over him.

"Them? Oh. They're the staff. Comes with maids and butlers and even a chef."
George explains through a strained smile as he glances nervously over his
shoulder.

"They're ROTTING CORPSES!" Coyotee howls as he steps back even further.

"Migrant workers." George says quickly. "From..um..another country. Good,
cheap labor." He says as one of the zombies reaches forward and grabs the small
man, dragging him to the ground.

"So, ow..are ..you ..ouch...interested?" George asks as the other zombies
join the first and they begin biting and clawing at the man's exposed flesh.

"YOU ARE BEING EATEN BY ZOMBIES!!" Coyotee squeals girlishly as the man is
devoured.

"Only...ow..Six...gold...a...week." George says from beneath the pile of
rotting flesh. A bloody hand thrusts through zombie horde holding up a pen and
renters agreement.

Several of the zombies turn towards the large Kerran and eye him
hungrily.

"I'll...um...I'll get back to you." Coyotee says politely as he and the
camera crew turn and run screaming from the mansion, dropping all of the gear
that could slow them down.

"He'll...be...back.." George says smugly as his voice is abruptly cut off,
his words ending in a wet gurgle as the still rolling camera is washed in a
spray of blood before cutting harshly to static.

*end*