When you play
the Lord of the Rings Online, sooner or later you
are going to run into a troll. These nasy beasts can be found all over
Middle-Earth and come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. How
you deal with them will determine the level of enjoyment you get out of
the game. Without further ado, here is your brief guide to the LotRO
Troll.

STEP 1: KNOW YOUR ENEMY

All trolls have a few things in common. First off, they are
nasty brutes who delight in torturing others for their own savage
amusement. This, more than anything else, is what defines the troll:
Schadenfreude. Some trolls, such as cave-trolls, can be easily detected
by their large size, greasy, unkempt hair and powerful, rotund builds.
Other trolls, while also often greasy, unkempt and rotund, are less
obvious and can be detected by their actions or, more often, their
speech. For example:

You (on Regional channel):
"I am stuck on a quest and could use some advice."

Stranger: "My advice is to roll a
different toon because you obviously suck at this one if you can't beat
that quest."

You: "That was rude..."

Stranger: "That wasn't rude. If I called
your mom a @#$!*, THAT would be rude!"

You: "Well... what should I be doing
differently with my class? Since you are clearly the expert here..."

Stranger: "LOL I don't even know where to
begin. You've done everything stupid."

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a troll. Besides their grotesque
appearance, trolls can usually be recognized by their terrible spelling
and/or grammar, and frequent use of gamer jargon, often in an ironic or
sarcastic manner.

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Troll Types

style="width: 200px; height: 200px;" alt="Hurler"
src="http://www.tentonhammer.com/image/view/93563">

Hurler style="width: 200px; height: 200px;" alt="Bruiser"
src="http://www.tentonhammer.com/image/view/93562">

Bruiser style="width: 200px; height: 200px;" alt="Crusher"
src="http://www.tentonhammer.com/image/view/93564">

Crusher style="width: 200px; height: 200px;" alt="Trollshaws"
src="http://www.tentonhammer.com/image/view/93565">

Smasher style="width: 200px; height: 200px;" alt="Flayer"
src="http://www.tentonhammer.com/image/view/93566">

Flayer style="width: 200px; height: 163px;" alt="Chat Channel"
src="http://www.tentonhammer.com/image/view/93567">

GLFFer

STEP 2: APPROACHING THE TROLL

Trolls live for conflict. It fuels them in the way oxygen,
sugars and proteins fuel human beings. Obviously, they must therefore
be approached with great caution. They also crave attention, and it
makes no difference if this attention is positive or negative. The more
you feed the trolls (by inflaming conflict or continuing to pay
attention to them), the stronger and more fierce they become. Many
people make fatal mistakes when first approaching a troll, and these
universally lead to shame and failure.

Mistake #1:
Trying to Reason With the Troll - Trolls are immune to logic and
reason. They are out to cause misery and suffering, either by bashing
smaller, punier beings over the head with giant clubs, or by the use of
caustic, insulting comments, circular arguments or obfuscatory
statements. Reason has no meaning to these creatures.

Mistake #2:
Trying to Win The Fight With Subtlety - Trolls are generally not subtle
creatures, and will ignore attempts to finesse them. Put away the
dagger and pull out the claymore. Don't bother trying to wryly hint
that the troll's intellect is inferior by pointing out spelling or
grammatical mistakes - a fully-engaged troll simply doesn't care about
these things, and will try to turn such attacks, however subtle, back
on the attacker.

Mistake #3:
Expressing Rage or Disgust at the Troll's Behaviour - Trolls are
notoriously boorish, and they are usually quite well aware of this. In
fact, many of them are quite proud of it. The troll does not care what
you think, it only cares about the fight and getting reactions. Telling
a troll that he is wrong is only adding fuel to the troll's inner fire
and further inflaming the conflict.

At its core, troll psychology and physiology is very simple.
Trolls are narcissistic and cruel, certain of their own superiority,
and have very simple (but very large) appetites. If they are not fed,
they soon wither and fade away. In this way, they are rather parasitic
- if they are kept fed, they will linger around, and if they are
starved, they will slink away to find a new host organism.

Some examples of feeding trolls:

Hobbit 1: "Hmm, there is a cave
in the middle of this swamp!"

Hobbit 2: "We should totally explore it,
that would be awesome!"

Hobbit 1: "But we are only level 10 with
some weak quest-reward gear."

Troll (in the cave):
"*grumble grumble*"

Hobbit 2: "Cool! Let's go take a look!" *Enters
cave and is immediately eaten*

Troll: "Om nom nom nom"

This is a fairly obvious example of troll-feeding. Hobbit 2 is
clearly naive and unprepared - exactly the sort of thing trolls look
for. Example 2 is a more gregarious species; though it probably does
reside in a dank cellar, it is a more socially-outgoing troll:

Player: "I need some advice about
this Guardian class feature."

Troll: "lol yea i can tell lol"

Player: "What do you mean?" *troll
is now being fed appetizers*

Troll: "ur virteus suck lol and ur legacys
on ur wpn suck lol u dont no how too play ur class"

Player: "Well, at least I know how to
spell 'virtues'." *the soup*

Troll: "meh but u wudnt kno good legacys
if they bit u on teh ass roflmao"

Player (unable to help self; inspects
Troll): "It's hard to take you seriously when you're a Level 10 Champ
and I'm asking about Guardians." *main course*

Troll: "roflmao i have a 65 guard on
another server,,, anyway gards suck, warden are way better tanks lol"

As you can see, this "conversation" will go nowhere. Player
will be accused of being a "clueless noob" for any arguments he makes
against the Troll's inflammatory rhetoric, and eventually the discourse
will break down into childish name-calling. Note the troll's refusal
(or inability) to back up his claims with facts or evidence. The third
example is more subtle yet, and the troll in question a more devious
opponent:

Player: "I don't understand Fleet
Stance and never use it. Seems like a wasted skill."

Troll: "Well, you're obviously a noob
huntard. I use Fleet Stance all the time." 

Player: "Really? Because it doesn't seem
very useful, since I still have to stand still to use any of my
attacks."

Troll: "I would hate to be in a raid with
an idiot like you. That's what happens when you get power-leveled."

Player: "That seems harsh. Can you explain
why Fleet Stance is useful in a raid? Because I can't see it..."

Troll: "If you're too stupid to figure it
out for yourself, I don't have the time to waste teaching
you." 

The troll, sensing easy prey, sets a trap by making an
obviously false and ludicrous claim, then questions the player's
intelligence for not "knowing better." The player, oblivious to the
trap, blindly steps forward and becomes ensnared. The troll moves
quickly, again attacking the player's intelligence and blindsiding him
with an obfuscatory accusation - moving him out of the trap and into
the pot. The player responds politely, not realizing he is liberally
sprinkling his roasting carcass with delicious herbs and spices and
ferrying himself directly to the troll's gaping, eager maw. The troll
savours the taste of victory. Once again, note the total lack of
supporting evidence to back up the troll's outrageous claims - this is
a common feature of troll attacks.

STEP 3: ACCEPTING THAT THE BATTLE CAN NEVER TRULY BE WON

For trolls, the point of a battle, be it a physical
confrontation or a verbal argument, is the battle itself. There is no
point being made, there is no resolution to be reached. The battle is
the only thing the troll really cares about, and therefore the fight
cannot be truly "won"- fighting with the troll is giving in to his
demands. Physical confrontations can be won only with great force, and
these are occasionally worth the effort when the troll lies bloodied
and slain at your victorious feet. Verbal confrontations, on the other
hand, are seldom ever worth engaging in. 

In either case, the best solution is usually to simply walk
away. If the troll presents a clear physical threat, then it obviously
must be dealt with - and harshly! - but if it is simply standing there
waving its sundered tree-stump-club in the air and howling for a fight,
or calling you a noob for daring to ask advice or state an opinion, it
is usually preferable to walk away and ignore the beast. However, if
the beast insists on engaging you in a pointless, narcissitic debate,
it can often be ended by three simple words:

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