Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Exteel may sound like a bad knockoff of a popular laxative hiding on shelves across the country, but fortunately for you (not to mention me), I discovered this game was more like a hand full of No-Doze chased down with a couple of Red Bulls. After the torturous abuse I went through to bring you a write-up on Regnum Online last week, I would rather have plopped my butt down in the Windows Chair for a solid year than play another free-to-play online game. Though often cruel, the gaming gods saw fit to look upon me with divine favor this week in a gracious act of mercy.

The vast majority (or as I sometimes refer to them, “the vast cesspool”) of F2P games available are based on the tried and true genre of high fantasy. Humans, elves, monsters, and more run around in an enchanted land, picking daisies, singing merrily, all while feeling special in that short bus kind of way. If magic and fantasy are what make you hotter for a game than a shot of pheromones to the face, this may not be the game for you.

The first time you step foot into Exteel, you're immediately whisked away to a semi-lengthy tutorial with a myriad of objectives to complete. Unlike that insurance seminar you had to sit through last week, this is actually time well spent. Completion of each section in the tutorial gives bonus items and credits, all of which you'll be extremely grateful for later. If you don't take the time to complete the lessons presented to you, you'll find yourself moving around some of the combat zones with the speed of a Jackalope with no legs. You have to learn the ins and outs of maneuvering competently to have any chance of being successful in the game. Trust me, it's worth the time and effort!

Dodge, weave, or die!

Exteel has far more in common with Battletech than any game I've ever seen and just in case you had the audacity to wonder: Yes, that is a good thing. After being tossed into your Mechanaught, you engage your enemies with either ranged or melee weapons in a fight to the death using in-your-face combat techniques at speeds that would make the Tasmanian Devil dizzy enough to vomit. By the way, those enemies that I mentioned? Yeah - they're all other players. The PvP bug I was recently bitten by has started running rampant in my veins. I can’t get enough!

The environment and Mech graphics may not be the most attractive you've ever seen, but at least you won't have the urge to gnaw your arm off when you wake up in the morning. With the intense speed of the matches you'll find yourself in, cutting edge graphics would most likely bring any system to a crawl, and that's the last thing you'd want in this action-packed thrill ride.

The maps are varied and more intricate than many of those found in more popular FPS games. As mentioned above, if you haven't taken the time to learn the basics of maneuvering these winding streets, hallways, and building tops, you're going to be at an insane disadvantage. Some of the maps can be more confusing than the Advanced Theoretical Physics class you're currently failing, but unlike your plummeting GPA, I view this as a good thing. It means there are an abundant amount of walls, building supports, and balcony edges to use for not only cover during combat, but to also get the drop on some unsuspecting noob (me) for a quick kill.

On the surface, Exteel may appear to be little more than a basic FPS (First Person Shooter) with robots instead of the standard past, present, or future soldiers of the video game world. You have your Mech, you hop into various games and maps via the use of a lobby, and do your best to kill other players in a variety of matches ranging from Deathmatch to Team Capture the Flag. Looking at the game this way is like looking at a rundown Volkswagen Rabbit and thinking it's the same thing as a '67 Ford Shelby GT 500 - there's just no comparison.

The true strength of Exteel lies within the staggering variety of customization and number crunching available to players. From hit points, to energy points, to heat dispersion, and more, this game has more depth than the Mariana Trench. Each piece of your Mech's body can be changed out for another and there are more than a few body parts to choose from. Not only can you change each piece individually, but you can give your Mech a custom paintjob as well. Whether you want to make the coolest looking Mech on the block, or one that's gaudier than Tammy Faye Baker, the choice is yours.

Mechs with guns and swords... doesn't get much cooler than that!

Your Mech design isn't limited to simply changing parts or their colors. If that were the case, I'd have to bend myself over my own knee for a good whacking after my claims of customization! As you progress through your career of carnage, you accumulate experience points to go along with that cash you've been hoarding for various parts. Along with some nifty titles for those that enjoy the feel of military ranks (and you know you civilians do), those points also grant you the ability to choose different skills with which to torture and oppress your sniveling opponents with. Did I forget to mention you can acquire more than 100 levels? Don't worry... my jaw dropped too, so I'll wait for you to pick yours up.

With all the praise I've been heaping on (I know, I know - it shocked me too!), there has to be some downsides to the game or everyone and their mother would have heard about it by now, right? Unfortunately, you're not wrong.

One problem with playing a game built around the use of lobbies is that each one is like a chat room, and not the good kind you're ashamed to admit you frequent. The chat mainly consists of commentary about how awesome a player is, how badly you and grandmother suck eggs, and how big his "woohoo" is. It's not pretty.

There's also the seedy side of itemization. A number of Mech pieces need to be bought with NCSoft's NCcoins, or to put it in layman's terms, cold hard cash. While the items look worthy of some small amount of coin, I haven't found myself disastrously held back by avoiding this aspect of the game. But considering my lack of true PvP skill, I don't think any of the pay upgrades could help me enough to justify the cost anyway.

Overall, the game is both far more entertaining and engaging than it has any right to be. While it offers enough depth of character customization to keep any min/max-lover happy until their eyes bleed, it also allows the more inept to feel comfortable in their efforts. The fast action, impressive number of levels and titles to attain, along with interesting map layouts all point towards this game making you happier than seeing your mother-in-law's tail lights on a Sunday afternoon. Too bad the juvenile delinquents frequenting the lobby and the need to purchase some of the better Mech pieces in the game keep me from giving this game 5 out of 5 hammers.

(4 / 5 Hammers)