Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

For two weeks in a row, I've been luckier than the purple rabbit foot you still keep on your keychain. Combat Arms wasn’t the greatest game to pick up a rifle and combat boots, but it could have been worse. Honestly, I think I found a real gem in Exteel and am still enjoying it more than you'd think anyone really should. I love mechs, and this game really brought me the robo-loving I deserve. After that particular review, I started receiving a number of messages telling me that if I really wanted to get into a robot-based game, I had to check out Age of Armor to see what true customization could really be like.

I'd like to think those people were honestly trying to share their own little slice of heaven, rather than attempting to impale me on the infamous Windows Chair as a way of getting back at me for some minor insult I gave to a game they favor. After playing the game, I'm not entirely convinced that this request wasn’t a cruel and sadistic joke played on me by the masses though.

Let the torture commence!

Like virtually every other game out there, the initial screen resolution matched up with my monitor like horseradish on a cupcake, so it was no surprise when the game looked like it was set for 800x600 when it booted up. My surprise (and forthcoming cursing) came about 30 minutes later when I still hadn't found any method to change it to my native 1680x1050. Running in its current state, the game felt like I had hooked my old SNES to my computer screen. If the gameplay had been fun and exciting, I would have gotten over it, but Killer Instinct this isn't!

After fuming over the resolution issues, I finally hopped into the game to be slapped in the face yet again by having to deal with the worst excuse for a tutorial I've seen in years. Not only was it thinner than Calista Flockhart, it was as comprehensive as the pictogram that came with the 200 piece entertainment center your wife picked out. I hope you have plenty of time for trial and error over the course of your next vacation, because you're going to need it.

Graphics that reek of the 80's (and not in a good way!) and a tutorial that leaves you more confused than a chimp flying the space shuttle…not the best start in the world. Yet I continued on because Mechs make me all tingly and made my way out into the world, ready to throw down some death and destruction like Megatron blasting hapless Autobots [Face it, the Decepticons have always been cooler.—Ed.]. Unfortunately, what greeted me was nothing but the pure cruelty of Cobra Commander.
 
Combat pretty much consists of clicking your mouse button on a target to either shoot or swing at it. Rather than zipping around the battlefield like you’re at the local Go-Kart track, you shamble along like you're an old man moseying through your neighborhood drugstore. You could get through 3 innings of a baseball game before you managed to kill more than 20 targets. While that’s a bit of an exaggeration, I'll guarantee Rosie O'Donnell could scarf down a whole pie before you finish that quest.
 

Too bad the game isn't as cool as my robot.

The main reason so many people suggested AoA to me was the customization options available to you when designing and upgrading your Mech, probably because it was one of the features I enjoyed most about Exteel. Frankly, AoA has more options for upgrading parts, skills, and colors than the Amazon jungle has trees, and that’s not a good thing at all. Unless you've got a guide to navigate you through all of it, you're going to be lost. Having an inexhaustible amount of choices in front of you is only a good thing if it's comprehensive and intuitive. I have a better chance of understanding the theories of quantum physics after attending a weekend seminar than I do explaining the staggering amount of options I was bombarded with during my play time.

If you have the stomach to suffer through all the complaints I've listed, there is one beacon of hope that shines brighter than Optimus Prime’s chest plate. The community found within AoA is composed of some of the friendliest and most helpful individuals I've run across since the week I spent in Brisbane, Australia, many years ago. No matter how stupid the question seemed (even to me), I never once saw an utterance of "noob" or an answer that could be considered rude by even the strictest of the forum police.

Overall, I found the game horribly painful to not only look at, but to try and play. Though there is an item mall available within the game, I had neither the desire, nor burning need, to purchase anything from it. The whole experience felt like watching a bad independent film filled with actors you really like; it sounds like something you'd enjoy, but in the end you realize those are moments of your life you'll never get back. The only thing that gives AoA a chance of being enjoyable is the helpful community that understands your pain.

(2 / 5 Hammers)