Adventures in Plant-Sitting

by Niami DenMother

Niami DenMother ("Mum" to her friends) was, at heart, a very nice halfling, especially as far as redheads went. So, when the exceedingly strange gnome that had just moved in down the street asked for some plant-sitting help, she didn't slam the door in his face, comment on his shifty eyes, or his nervous giggle, or do any of her first dozen-ish impulses. "Business trip, eh? Why o' course I'd be happy tae watch this ... um ... plant frae ye, lad."

"Thanks, m'am, they said you were a kind one!" Fizzlesprocket Thingamagic gave a high-pitched giggle. "It should need too much care at all." {titter} "Just water and feed it once in a while, ok?" As he saw her brow furrow in a slight frown, he hurried on before she could get a word in edgewise. "Nothing fancy, mind you, just a bit of water, some bones from that scrumptious roast I can smell cooking, maybe a bit of peat now and then. Teehee. OhmylookatthetimeI'mgoingtobelate! Here'sthefeedinglistforitthankyouverymuchIhavetogonow!" With that, the gnome stuffed a list into her hand, and fled off, leaving Mum shaking her head in bewilderment.

She eyed the plant, and felt, for a moment, that it eyed her back. "Bah, too many sweets afore bed an' I am imagining all sorts o' odd things. Let's get ye inside an' get a better look at ye." She dragged the plant-pot inside, noting that the plant, which was almost as tall as she was, looked to be poorly settled in the ugly clay pot. "Odd that there be sae many holes on th' sides o' th' pot like that. Almost as if he expected ye tae grow yuir roots outside th' pot."

The barrel-shaped stem of the plant was almost hidden by the mass of striped blue and green leaves. To her mind, the leaves looked a bit sickly, and her overactive imagination had her thinking that she saw teeth, of all things in the center of the mass of leaves!

"Definitely too many sweets!" She shook her head to clear it, then continued to chatter to the plant as she dragged it into a spot under the window in the living room. "He did nae e'en do a proper job o' planting ye, did he, ye puir thing? I'll go check on th' roast, then get some potting soil frae ye."

As she trundled downstairs to the kitchen in the cellar, she looked over the list that the gnome had given her. "Pond water, peat an' meaty bones. Well, I can manage all that, but it does nae say how th' bones are tae be fed tae it! Am I supposed tae bury 'em in th' dirt an' let th' meat rot off? If so, that will be quite th' stench, and mister plant there will be going outside on th' patio!"

The roast was done to perfection, and she happily nibbled on some while she efficiently sliced the rest up for sandwiches and other dishes. Mindful of the list, she saved out the large bone, being careful to leave a little extra meat on it. "Waste o' guid meat tae be feeding it tae a plant, but I did promise I'd look after th' thing, an' it seems sorely neglected. Mayhaps this will perk it up a wee bit."

She loaded up a tray with some water, a pouch of peat and the bone and trundled back up the stairs to the living room to where she had placed the plant.

It wasn't there.

Well, it was, but it was about 9 feet over from where she thought she had placed it, sitting in a corner - with one of her housecats penned in between it and the walls. "Och! I could swear I put ye under th' window. Don't tell me I be getting senile afore my time now!" She set down the tray, then dragged the plant out from the corner, freeing the cat, which promptly fled with a yowl.

"Hmm, what's this?" She eyed the tag that had been hidden amongst the leaves. On one side it said "Feed me!" The reverse side said, in small print "Carnivorous plant."

"Well, I've ne'er seen nor heard of such a thing. Must be one o' those newfangled plants they found up in th' sky realm. Why would ye want tae keep around a plant that ate wee critters?" She turned back to the table as she talked to herself, picking up the tray of plant goodies once again. Her eyes narrowed as a thought occurred to her and she whirled around just in time to see several large roots snake out of the holes in the pot. "Ye leave puir Fluffy alone, ye hear me?! An' none o' that moving around on me behind my back, or nae food frae ye!"

At the mention of food, the plant tilted at the top, so the crown of it was facing her, while a circle of teeth gnashed in her general direction.

"Och!"

She skittered backwards a couple steps, then took hold of her resolve. "Patience, now, patience! I've got it right here, but if ye want it, ye're going tae have tae behave yuirself."

Carefully, she fertilized it with some peat, then watered it, then gingerly held out the bone ... and almost lost her fingers to the teeth. "None o' that now!" She thwapped it soundly with the tray she'd used to bring the food upstairs, then a second time for good measure. Again it gnashed teeth at her, as it pushed long roots back out of the holes in the sides of the pot and started walking towards her, biting the air in her general direction.

"Blessed Bristlebane!" She flung the tray at it and fled back down into the kitchen, as the plant slowly followed her down the stairs.

Quickly, Mum ran over to the hanging collection of pots and pans, pulling out one that fit nicely over her head as a helmet. Another grab and she had a large pot lid in her left hand, and one final grab and she had a nice, solid marble rolling pin in her right hand. Armed and armored with the tools of her trade, she whirled on the plant, which stiffened, leaves pointing straight up as it pondered the odd behavior of its chosen prey.

"Och, laddybuck, I'm an easy-going lass, that I am, but I ..." Arm strengthened by years of kneading dough, stirring pots and other such domestic efforts, she landed a mighty blow on the plant with the rolling pin. "... am ..." Another solid thwack, and the plant stopped advancing. "... not ..." {thwap!} "... FOOD!" {KERTHWAP!}

With a slight fwoosh noise, the plant pulled all the roots back into the pot once more and spit out a fresh fruit in her general direction, as if in apology for bad behavior.

She advanced on the plant, watching the leaves tremble, and raised her rolling pin a bit. "Now, are ye going tae behave yuirself, or do I need tae break out th' cleaver or summat as well?" The plant trembled, flinched, and drooped.

She backed up a couple steps, watching it through narrowed eyes, as it straightened up and sat meekly under her regard. "Nae eating me, nae eating my guests, and NAE eating my pets! Do ye understand me?" This last was said as she shook the rolling pin at it warningly.

The plant drooped again, then nodded it's crown. "In return, I'll feed ye an' water ye an' all that. Ye've a right tae live, too, as long as ye eat properly." The plant perked up a tad. "Oh, an' if ye wish, any burglars are fair game. I'd nae be surprised if that gnome was part o' some new robbery scam." There was no doubt about it, the plant practically bloomed under her watchful eyes.

"Ye like that idea, eh? Trust me, treats from me be better than fighting wi' yuir food most o' th' time. Now, shoo. Back upstairs wi' ye while I clean up my kitchen!"

There was a flurry of rustling, as the plant tried to run up the stairs in a flurry of roots and leaves.

"Odd plant. I think I'll call him ... Seymour."

(For a full guide on the proper way to feed your in-game carnivorous plant, and what you can get from it other than fresh fruit, see the new carnivorous plant guide over on EQ2 Traders Corner.)