Winners Never Whine, and Whiners Never Quit

By Shayalyn

---

I've always considered the official forums for most games to be...well, sort of a crap shoot. Occasionally, if you know how to look, you can find great advice and insight into your game of choice. But far too often, what you'll find is a bunch of terminally unhappy gamers at each other's throats. Sometimes the action gets downright brutal--threads are closed, players are banned. And on the Dungeons & Dragons Online official forums, banning doesn't just affect your forum status, it affects your gaming status. This from the forum guidelines:

“You must have an active DDO subscription to post to these forums. All forum accounts are tied to a DDO account. Violations of this Code of Conduct can result in action upon the game account, including suspension and banning.”

Make sense? If you act up in the forums, you can end up being suspended or even permanently banned from the game. (And obviously it works vice versa. If your active game account is suspended or banned...no forum access for joo.)

So why is it that some gamers refuse to act civilized? It is indeed possible to criticize or even complain without being disrespectful of the game, its developers, or other players. We do it all the time here at Ten Ton Hammer in the form of editorials. It's also possible to accept criticism, either of the game or yourself, without getting one's tightey whities in a whirl. You may sleep in DDO Underoos and have every collectible Dungeons & Dragons miniature known to humankind, or you may have played every DDO class to 10th level, but that doesn't mean you've been granted some special dispensation by the gods to trash anyone who disagrees with you, does it?

Now, I'm not the be-all, end-all authority on giving and receiving criticism, but I've been a forum moderator in one form or another for nearly a decade, so I'm going to take a whack at it. Here's my forum philosophy in a nutshell:

Giving Criticism

1. Debate, don't argue. State what it is you disagree with and why. Use the forum tools to provide direct quotes--things that the other person said that you think are either factually incorrect or that you don't agree with--then state your case point for point.
2. Don't make it personal. Remember, your beef is with what the person said, not with the person himself. Personal attacks almost always end in flame wars, and nothing worthwhile ever comes of flame wars (unless you're into that sort of thing, in which case you don't need to start a flame war of your own, just find an existing one...and bring popcorn).
3. Be specific. Broad statements are almost always misconstrued. Pinpoint exactly what it is you're disagreeing with, and then make targeted statements.
4. Give the benefit of a doubt. You know what your middle school teacher always said, right? When you assume, you make an “ass” of “u” and “me.” If what someone said was unclear, ask for clarification before you get down to the nitty gritty.
5. Just the facts, ma'am. If you're too lazy to look something up, then don't go making statements about it. You can't say something like, “80% of the people who played in head start no longer play DDO!” because it's ludicrous, and you don't have a single shred of fact to back it up.
6. Sit on it. I don't exactly mean sit and rotate; I mean sit on whatever it is you have to say for a few hours and see if you still want to say it. When you write in the heat of the moment, you're likely to say things that are inflammatory. The single best trick I've learned to do when I'm pissed off and want to write a blistering forum post is to open Windows Notebook, write out my thoughts there, and just let them simmer for a few hours. Then I can go back and read them a after I've calmed down and either discard them, edit them, or post them as is. 99% of the time I end up editing them so that I'm stating my case more rationally.

Receiving Criticism

1. Don't take it personally. Just because someone disagrees with you or doesn't like what you've had to say doesn't mean that person hates you. Face it, that person is an anonymous blip on your computer screen. So are you, for that matter. Just because somebody says you're a clueless idiot doesn't mean you are. Just because you think someone is a classless biatch doesn't mean she is, either. Rising to flame bait makes you reek of insecurity.
2. Don't judge, lest ye be judged. If you're going to be critical of what someone else has had to say, expect your criticisms to be held up to...criticism. If you can't agree with someone else, don't be surprised when others don't agree with you.
3. Flame not the flamer. It's pretty simple, really. If someone goes off on you in grand style, and you respond with a similar torrent of insults, then you're no better than they. If you can respond calmly, you'll look cool and rational while the other person will look like a raving idiot. Composure equals dignity...and power.
4. Don't feed the trolls. You know, sometimes it's just best to let the troll stay under his bridge, no matter how much he tries to trick you into tossing him something juicy to chew on. Silence is golden.  

And one last note before I go: if you're going to express your opinion about something related to the game, by all that is good and holy, make it productive. Nobody likes “This game suxx0rz!” posts. Those types of posts most often get the response, “Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.” If you have what you believe is a legitimate gripe, state it specifically and factually without attacking the game, the franchise, or the developers. I know you can do it.

We all have opinions, and we all want our opinions heard. We want to know that what we think and say matters. I'm all for debate, especially in the gaming industry. Criticism, in my opinion, is far better for our games overall than rampant fanboi-ism. But it's important to keep in mind that no single opinion is either right or wrong--it's an opinion. You don't win a debate by proving the other party wrong; you win it by making the strongest case and maintaining your composure.

---