Change is inevitable in the MMO gaming world, and with such change comes glorious patch notes. Why go through them alone when you can have others punish themselves by analyzing everything? Coyote and RadarX have examined all the important patch notes finding everything mock worthy. That's all that really counts right?

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Ward of Elements: A brand new level 80 two-group raid instance has been added! This zone is balanced for players without a proliferation of raid gear, and should provide an exciting challenge to any group of 12! The first six bosses can be tackled in any order, and provide fantastic fabled loot with brand new armor sets upgraded from the tier 2 void shard sets, complete with new appearances! You can find it in Lavastorm beneath the Hollow Tower and Deep Forge.

RadarX: I've actually been in the zone on Test and I have to say the 5 feet I got before I had my Spleen pulled out through my eye socket was breath taking. Bonus points here for the use of "proliferation" in a sentence not referring to nuclear weapons.

Coyote: Personally I’m disgusted that they’d even mention proliferation in a game where KIDS play. Kids having kids? Not cool. And bringing up that they can proliferate just encourages them. Jesus, think of the CHILDREN.

RadarX: Next thing you know we’ll have proliferation being handed out in schools. It’s also good to see the elevator in Lavastorm really DOES have a reason to go to the third floor, not just to humiliate the people who fell to the bottom.

Coyote: Yeah, you fall down there and you’re proliferated. HARD.

 

Lavastorm: Lots of brand new content has been added in this classic zone. Almost all of the population has be re-tiered for solo players, with a brand new level 45 to 55 quest line with the industrious…but rather insane Sootfoot goblins. Brand new void invaded areas also feature new level 80 solo quests. Additionally, a solo-able daily shard quest had been added as well as lots of brand new mount paths and teleporters to make traversing the zone much easier!

RadarX: The 40-55 is really well done. This was hands down one of the most annoyingly difficult zones to play. I'm interested in how they are going to manage the mob of people trying to do the daily solo shard quest.

Coyote: I don’t go there, and not even the lure of new content can make me. The whole place smells like burnt goblin ass.

RadarX: But it’s now more friendly goblin ass wi…ok yeah I can see that isn’t going to end well, but I gotta ask: How do you know what burnt goblin ass smells like?

Coyote: I got drunk once in college…and I was curious and…

RadarX: Yup. Knew I’d regret it.

Coyote: I didn’t. For a smoldering member of the Unseelie court, he was surprisingly gentle.

 

Berserker: Cyclone will now improve threat instead of reducing resistibility.

RadarX: A sure sign that the required Anger Management classes aren't working.

Coyote: Nor the “masculinity” classes. I mean what’s a blood crazed warrior without a spinning sparkly attack? Ya plate wearin’ poofters.

RadarX: So let me get this straight… This ability went from something that helps kill the monster to something that REALLY pisses him off?

Coyote: Pretty much. Instead of killing them, it now insults their mother and kicks them in the snarglies. At least we’ll hold aggro better.

 

Brawler: Crane Flock now has a faster recast time

RadarX: Saying that skill 5 times fast is funny...

Coyote: I flocked a crane once. … … … I was drunk.

RadarX: Just once eh?

Coyote: Yeah, but if you do it right, once is all it takes. Flock me. Flock me HARDER baby!

RadarX: Your therapy bills must be mind-numbing.

 

Cleric: Allied Prayers will trigger properly if the cleric is casting.

RadarX: Wh...why else would they be triggering? Are people standing around the Broker "Ok..who is triggering Allied Prayers?"

Coyote: How does a prayer trigger IMPROPERLY? “Sorry Tom, my church group was praying for you and your family to keep the house, but McNerny here sneezed halfway through …and..well…genital herpes. Our bad.

RadarX: Maybe an improper triggering is what’s keeping Troubadours from doing more DPS? Right guys? Right?!

Coyote: OooOh. Watch it dude or they’ll ineffectively attack you before shamefully betraying to dirge!

 

Monk: Mongoose Stance has changed to improve the trigger chance of the monk’s stances.

RadarX: This is much more threatening than Chipmunk Stance.

Coyote: Hehehe. You mean ChipMONK. Hehe. See what I did there?

RadarX: Bada ching! I want to know how you use “multiple stances.” Can you stand like a Tiger and an Elephant at the same time?

Coyote: You can, but you never EVER use snake and rodent. Going asp to mouse is just wrong.

RadarX: Dude. What is WRONG with you?

 

Improved Meditative Healing to heal up to 40%.

RadarX: This is a pretty big healing boost for Monks. I'm not sure if this is one of those things they "put on hold" with the Tank changes but very nice.

Coyote: How would tank class changes affect a MONK?

RadarX: Monks are tanks too you friggin classist. Sure they might perform as well as a “battle cleric” but they are trying dammit.

Coyote: Yeah. I can see exactly how hard they’re trying. “Here, let me show up to fight a dragon in my f***ing PJ’s!” Hey, Ralph Machio, sweep the leg and then go put on some friggin’ armor.

 

Paladin: The paladin TSO stance skill enhancements will no longer continually add every update.

RadarX: Instead they'll subtract? Divide? Convert to proper Fractions? Where is the rest of the story!?

Coyote: It’s like we came in halfway through the sentence and missed the important part. “And that is how you avoid flocking a crane!” …what did I miss? WHAT DID I MISS?

RadarX: I…I don’t want to hear the rest of that story.

Coyote: … … …my safe word is “parakeet.”

 

Shadowknight: Adjusted Shadowknight’s Fury to be an encounter based hate gain to better match their role. A bonus has also been added to threat while reducing the added spell damage.

RadarX: Potentially another mothballed Fighter change but translation: Blah blah Shadowknights still blow.

Coyote: To match their role? So Shadowknight’s Fury isn’t going to be used unless no REAL abilities are available? Hehe.

RadarX: I’d honestly like to see this. Less damage and more hate? “Ha! I’m topping the parse so…oh god! Ah! He has my arm!”

Coyote: Shadowknight or Paladin. It’s like asking if you wanna take a shot to the left nut or the right. Either way, yer probably not gunna enjoy it, unless ya know. Yer into that.

 

Summoner: Dimensional Storage will now describe which pet the player has stored. If none are stored then a generic message is displayed.

RadarX: That generic message is "Hey moron, you don't HAVE a pet."

Coyote: “You currently have [114 Tom Cats] in storage. Also, your house smells like loneliness and pee. Have a nice day. Beeeeep.”

RadarX: Do you have to pay extra for air-conditioned Dimensional Storage? Is it open 24 hours a day?

Coyote: It’s just full of crappy couches that people don’t want to throw away and worthless paintings that “might be worth money someday”.

 

Bruiser: The offensive stance has been adjusted to better incorporate triggered effects.

RadarX: Group anger however has not been adjusted, and you will still be yelled at for trying to tank in this stance.

Coyote: And then you sob, run off, and buy another cat for Dimensional Storage.

RadarX: And air fresheners…lots of them.

Coyote: Because again, your house smells. Like pee. This is why no one ever comes to your Pampered Chef parties.

 

Pets will now inherit the critical mitigation of their owners.

RadarX: I'm a little surprised this hasn't come up before since TSO raid instances are big on Critical Mitigation.

Coyote: I’ve VERY surprised this hasn’t come up before since I have no idea what it means. The only thing you should inherit from your pets is a bad case of bird herpes. Hehe. Chirpes.

RadarX: How the hell do you know that birds get….right. The crane flocking.

Coyote: A moment of passion, a lifetime of molting, feather mites, and regret.

 

General damage and heal bonuses will no longer apply to triggered spells except with the profession spells which increase from +damage effects.

RadarX: This looks like a cleverly worded nerf...

Coyote: No, this looks like a poorly worded nerf designed to make the reader go cross-eyed before he can decipher what it actually MEANS.

RadarX: I think once someone sees “bonuses will no longer apply” they stop reading and start posting on the official forums.

Coyote: That’s assuming that the people who sob about nerfs on the forums CAN read.

 

An issue which was causing some multiple effect spells( typhoon ) to not properly add in additional damage has been fixed.

RadarX: Oh like Fury's were REALLY that upset. I mean how angry could a class name Fu...oh.

Coyote: Dude, trust me – you do NOT want to get a bunch of people who dress like giant animals just so that they can make grunty faces and get their “O” on, mad. They’ve got nothing to lose. NOTHING.

RadarX: Except their bravado sir. When you can dress like a blue turtle and try to pick up a slutty chick dressed like a rabbit? I call that…ok yeah Furries are creepy. I see your point.

Coyote: Avoid the rabbit chick. She might be great in the sack, but a month later she shows up at your door with 37 kids.

 

Group members can now use the /invite command to request that the group leader invite a player to the group. Just type /invite <playername>

RadarX: Yay! A new way to annoy the group leader! /invite guy next to broker /invite gold spammer

Coyote: Or ya know, you could just type “Hey DUMBASS, INVITE HIM ALREADY. WTF Helen Keller, you deaf AND blind? You can’t see that sh*t? Stop spanking it and let’s get this group GOING.” in group chat. Works just as well and has a more personal touch to it.

RadarX: Hey! Stop pasting our group chat in here or I’m leaving! I don’t WANT a guy named “Pharisbueller” in our group.

Coyote: So rename yer toon. HA! See what I did there?

 

Your entire group will not be zoned out of Scion of Ice when 1 person leaves.

RadarX: This was really annoying and I'm glad they fixed it.

Coyote: Wow. I said those exact words the day you got yer little RadarX-Baby-Makers stapled shut. Eerie.

RadarX: Ouch? As touching as your interest is I can’t really discuss my current plans for world domination.

Coyote: Yeah, I’m sure you’ll have a ball with that. Ooh..sorry, too soon?

 

Auto-follow: Your character will now swim up and down to follow the target underwater.

RadarX: If this change doesn't prevent people from being dumb enough to auto follow then I don't know what is.

Coyote: Swim down. Drop group. Watch the AFK person drown, giggle your ass off. I love this game.

RadarX: This is why they need to put you in the QA department. You’d spend months uncovering new ways to kill other players in a PvE environment.

Coyote: I’m the only Care bear in game with PvP kill stats on a PvE server. DIG it.

 

Players on auto-follow now follow up and down climbable walls.

RadarX: So not only can we drown people but if we're Scouts we can jump off cliffs too.

Coyote: Please, that is just silly. A GOOD scout could already do this BEFORE the patch.

RadarX: Yes I’ve personally seen these attempts. This is why we don’t follow you very closely, especially high up.

Coyote: I’m like Moses, leading people to the promised land. Only with more giggling, cursing, and people logging in frustration because I close the water as soon as I part it.

 

You may now /camp (and, incidentally, sit) while on auto-follow. If the person you're following moves (causing you to follow) your camp will be interrupted.

RadarX: You couldn't camp while on auto-follow? The things you learn after 5 years...

Coyote: … … Okay. Who the HELL spent time on this? Why did THIS need to be fixed? Why would you auto-follow someone if you were camping? I still can’t kill Fae with snowballs, but this – THIS you fix?

RadarX: This is definitely the WTF award winner for this update.

Coyote: UPDATE! You can now join a raid from the exit screen. Enjoy!

 

The camera will now re-center on the person you're following only when you're moving.

RadarX: Unfortunately that person is still a shirtless Kerran with a Viking helmet.

Coyote: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your mom stuffs dollars into my loincloth and calls me her big furry Daddy.

RadarX: No, I hate you because you won’t wear pants and keep missing the litter box.

Coyote: … …

RadarX: What?

Coyote: …I think we should see other people.

 

GUILD HALLS: Guild hall trophies can now be found on many high end raid bosses. Find them all and show off your might!

RadarX: So we can expect to see even more items auctioned in channel now.

Coyote: Translation: Sh*tloads of plat to be made on Broker! Start farming today!

RadarX: I’m all about having a well decorated guild hall but how much time do you really spend wandering around it? That is unless you are placing training dummies trying to annoy someone. However, if you spend 100+pp on an item like this? I don’t care if you have 2000pp, you are a moron.

Coyote: Show off your MIGHT! Show off your SKILL! Show off your….ability to bid on things.

 

The guild hall mender will now correctly remember the new coverage setting after it is changed.

RadarX: Wh...how does he just forget? Oh charge full price? I thought you said to keep it free!

Coyote: My kinda mender.

RadarX: Sounds like the mender got called into the boss’s office and had a final warning issued. What would he do if he got fired? Plumber maybe?

Coyote: Naw. He’d throw an X at the end of his name and make lame jokes involving plumbers in patch notes.

RadarX: Hehe. What a pathetic loser…hey…wait.

 

Paying upkeep on a house or guild hall now requires confirmation.

RadarX: For really expensive payments I could see that. Nobody likes to spend 10 trillion plat unnecessarily.

Coyote: “Are you sure you don’t want to live out in the streets with the other reeking hobos? [YES / NO]”

RadarX: The flip side of this though is what really gets harmed? Ok so you paid an extra weeks rent. If that is going to break you it might be time to move out of that deluxe guild hall and away from the East Side.

Coyote: I move every few months. I like to redecorate, the change of view helps the game stay fresh, and the smell of dead hookers in that weird little crawl space gets on your nerves after a while.

 

Cloak of the Burning Dead has a new appearance.

RadarX: A lot more dead, a little less burning.

Coyote: And it’s faaaaabulous. Some feathers, a couple sparkles, and a sequin boarder and you go from Cloak of Drab to Cloak of FAB!

RadarX: Queer Eye for the EQ2 Guy?

Coyote: Lucan D’Lereberace.

Bonuses on the melee priest shard armor sets have been slightly upgraded.

RadarX: Hehe...melee priest. Their last words are always "I think I got this..."

Coyote: Melee Priests should be called by the name the groups give them. “Sit the F*** DOWN AND HEAL YOU DUMBASS!” has a nice ring to it.

RadarX: If your healer has time to DPS, you are pulling too slowly. Make him stop watching TV and get in the game.

Coyote: Hey Healy Healerton? You have one job on this ship, it’s stupid, but you’re gunna do it. Sit down, shut up and watch the bars or we’re gunna make you solo.

 

Bonuses on the raid acquired Coercer robes have been lowered to 1 additional Hostage trigger.

RadarX: That'll teach you guys to stop taking hostages.

Coyote: All right, pop quiz. Airport, gunman with one hostage. He's using her for cover; he's almost to a plane. You're a hundred feet away... what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

RadarX: Shoot the Templar who is trying to melee?

Coyote: Yeah, but the moment you do that, Louis pops up and screams that you shot him.

RadarX: A Left 4 Dead reference? NICE!

Coyote: …friggin’ Louis.

 

You can no longer revive while your group is still engaged in pvp based combat.

RadarX: Ouch. No more zergs.

Coyote: The guy from 5th Element?

RadarX: What? No. Zerg, like in Starcraft?

Coyote: That text based game where you start in a field south of a house?

RadarX: Dude. That’s ZORK. Zerg, as in….oh…wow. You sir are an ass.

Coyote: The snake from the forbidden fighting style?

RadarX: … …

 

The infamy system has been adjusted. You no longer lose infamy when you die. However, your infamy will slowly decay over time. Also, a new title has been added.

RadarX: You no longer lose infamy, just respect.

Coyote: A new title has been added as you decay over time. We call it “The Stink-tastic”.

RadarX: This is an interesting change to me. You really don’t hear a lot about PvP these days. I think it’s mainly because all the developers working on it are kept in a secure government facility.

Coyote: For their safety or ours? Friggin’ psychos.

 

Assassin: The Shadows line has a small hate reduction component now.

RadarX: This will not however affect raid members who you keep out DPSing and they will still hate you.

Coyote: And your stupid little hood.

RadarX: What is with that hood anyway? It just screams Middle-Eastern swordsmen. I want to pull out a revolver and shoot them.

Coyote: And then Louis screams again and you get frustrated and kill him on purpose. F***ing Louis.

 

Necromancer: Grim Lifetap will now do poison damage instead of heat.

RadarX: This seems to make sense but will the Lifetap still remain grim?

Coyote: No sir. It is “happy poison”.

RadarX: Putting a smiley face on crossbones does not make it “happy.”

Coyote: I’d drink it.

RadarX: I’d buy.

 

Paladin: Divine Favor has been adjusted to no longer have any penalties and to better help the paladin after almost dying.

RadarX: So this ability is going to see a LOT of use.

Coyote: By the seven Paladins still in game.

RadarX: Wait…does being strictly a Paladin ability count as a penalty? If so this note isn’t accurate.

Coyote: No, being a Paladin counts as a penalty.

 

Redemption now has a 15m range like their other taunts.

RadarX: There is no saving souls outside a 15m diameter circle. This is awesome.

Coyote: The diameter circle is for the loading and unloading of souls, please stay within the diameter circle.

RadarX: I can’t wait to see this in action. “Well I tried to save you but you were 16 meters away.”

Coyote: DAMN YOU METRIC SYSTEM! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

 

Ranger: The Blame Arrow line has had its hate gain modifiers reduced but they now improve with the tier of the spell.

RadarX: 5 Rangers just quit without even reading the entire note.

Coyote: Oh no! Who will solo all of the 3-up mobs I can’t kill NOW?

RadarX: The Illusionists.

Coyote: Blame arrow. I’ll take “What you claim to have distinctly saw when every mob in the zone aggro’d because of your actions.” For 200 Alex.

 

Rogue: Lie Low line is now faster casting.

RadarX: I'm personally excited about this one because it saves my butt when I'm attacking the wrong tar...I mean the stupid tank isn't taunting enough.

Coyote: All. My. Friends. Use the Low Lie..er.. Low. Lie. Er…is a little faster.

RadarX: Wrong…on so many levels.

Coyote: LIE LOW…you brought to my knees, Lie Low, I’m beggin’ darlin’ please…

RadarX: THIS is why we won’t let you roll a bard.

 

Swashbuckler: The Blame Blade line has had its hate gain modifiers reduced but they now improve with the tier of the spell.

RadarX: It sounds like Swashbucklers, always trying to blame someone else for what they are doing.

Coyote: It isn’t whether you win or lose. It’s how you lay the Blame.

RadarX: Wrong. Now if they’ll only take away hate transfers, the circle will be complete.

Coyote: Even if they take it away, you’ll still always have MY hate.

 

Representative Purrla from the Far Seas Trading Company is seeking help from the cities' tradeskill societies! Tradeskillers level 40+ may wish to assist.

RadarX: Oh NOW you want my help? Where the hell have you been for the last 4 years?

Coyote: If Purrla is a Kerran I’m going to quit and play WoW. Why do all the Kerrans have to have such “clever” names?

RadarX: There is no need to get upset meow. You just shut your meowth and carry on.

Coyote: Did you…did you just say meow?

RadarX: Did I just say meow? Do I look like a Kerran to you boy? Am I hoppin’ around Shar Vahl all nimbly-pimbly? Am I drinking milk from a saucer?

Coyote: No…but you do spend hours licking yourself smart ass.

 

Armorers, woodworkers, and jewelers have improved their recipes, and can now make improved versions of tradeskilled shields and secondary items. Old shields and secondary items that already exist will not be affected, only new ones created henceforth.

RadarX: I'm interested to see what the Jewelers end up with. I'm assuming Woodworkers are getting better totems? Upgraded chairs?

Coyote: Hehe…they sit in the back…working their wood. Hehehe..

RadarX: Why are you laughing at Woodworkers? It take balls to follow that profession.

Coyote: Hehe…especially when they get the shaft. ASP TO MOUSE! Hehe..

 

The Far Seas Supply Division has learned of another mission where a group of talented tradeskillers may be sorely needed. Madria Varas will have details of the new mission once they are available.

RadarX: No! You've had your chance. I'm not making you anything.

Coyote: Settle down Betty Crocker, no one is asking you for your secret recipe just yet you giant friggin’ Nancy.

RadarX: Oh I see how it is. No fresh Biscotti for you mister.

Coyote: Biscotti doesn’t know, so don’t tell Biscotti…

 

Tradeskillers with their epic earrings may soon find more red collectibles if they look in the right areas…

RadarX: And the right area is...the Station Cash menu? Too soon?

Coyote: HAHAHAHA. “And you can put it on your new SMEDITCARD.” (Approval required)

RadarX: We are so getting barred from any future Fan Fairs.

Coyote: Yeah, my Smedit-Rating just dropped into the red. Hehe…

 

You can now drag equipment from your appearance slots to the macro window.

RadarX: Why the hell would you need to do this? Are people really macroing their clothing?

Coyote: I don’t think you fully appreciate how quickly people need to look pretty sir.

RadarX: Oh no sir I do. I just don’t’ respect it. Bored Templars are doing this in their down time.

Coyote: SIT. THE. F***. DOWN. AND. HEAL!

 

The raid window has a new ‘Advanced’ mode that will display effect icons for all members of the raid. Right-click the raid window to switch views.

RadarX: Great. We don't have enough griping that "I'm missing <insert buff>" but now they can complain OTHERS don't have it either.

Coyote: Oooh. No more claiming to be stunned while waiting to see what direction the fight is going to go before engaging. Crap.

RadarX: Yeah I prefer an honesty policy. Why didn’t I attack? Oh you guys were so screwed.

Coyote: Wh..what happened? I got lag. No….really.

 

Fixed a bug in the raid window sometimes causing users to not be drag-able.

RadarX: Did you ever think maybe we don't LIKE being dragged? Huh?!

Coyote: Naw. Everyone knows that you love Drag. LOVE it. Can’t get enough of it. Crave Drag nightly. Hell, some might even call you a Drag Qu…

RadarX: Oh but this note says we are ALL drag-able now…so we can do each other’s hair and nails now!

Coyote: I’ll bring the snake if you have the rat. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

 

The carat in text boxes will no longer render if the EQII client doesn’t have focus.

RadarX: I have no idea why there are issues with carats rendering but it's making me hungry.

Coyote: Which explains your one remaining “lucky” tooth, “Chopper”, you diamond eating freak.

RadarX: I’m from the South! My teeth are SUPPOSED to look like that!

Coyote: … … I … I can’t top that.

 

UI Settings files are now stored in a new XML format. Existing INI files will be converted the first time a character is logged in.

RadarX: I vote this the lowest impact patch note of the update.

Coyote: Yet we comment on it. This just looks like a bored dev who has been trapped working without human contact for too long. At the bottom of the patch notes there’s a cell phone number and a “call any time! Really!” note.

RadarX: So THIS is where they moved the last Matrix Online developer!

Coyote: He should have taken the blue pill, and by blue pill I mean cyanide.

 

Appearance slots for primary, secondary and ranged weapon slots have now been activated! In addition to the requirement that you must be able to use the item, it must also use the same skill as the item equipped in your normal slot.

RadarX: Oh good this means we can expect people to start need rolls on crap they won't use so they can look different. Ahaha you are carrying a giant wooden soup spoon! So clever!

Coyote: LOOK! LOOK! I have a ROLLING PIN! AHAHAHAAAA…this is why I’ve never kissed a girl.

RadarX: And wear no shirt. Don’t fo…wait you are going to make fun of my Witch Hunter hat aren’t you?

Coyote: No Miles Standish, you look awesome in your Station Cash hat. Ask any of the other Pilgrims you small pox breeding ass.

 

For example, you may only use a Great Axe in your appearance slot if you are also wielding a Great Axe in your equipment slot.

RadarX: Ha I spoke too soon! Restrictions to you all!

Coyote: No Soup Spoon for you! Back of line!

RadarX: Wow I think we are actually done and I’m only partially disturbed.

Coyote: …oh…I think you’re fully disturbed.

RadarX: Yeah…we’re gunna get letters.

Coyote: Assuming anyone actually reads this.

RadarX: Touche.

Coyote: I’ll show you on the doll where he touche’d me…

RadarX: Aaaaaand we’re done.

Coyote: *sobs* and he said there would be ice cream…

~End~