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Reloading... Reptiles and Scientology

Posted Tue, May 31, 2011 by Ethec

Welcome to the 5th edition of Reloading...

Under great protest (read my blog for more info) I welcome you to my first ever Reloading...! I didn't know what to write about, but then I was informed that I'm not suppose to write anything that anyone actually cares about. So I present to you the following terribly written article.


I should warn you all; I have a sick, twisted, and disturbing world perspective. When most people see a bunny they think, "Awwww, how cute!". However, when I think of a bunny, I think of George putting a gun to the back of Lenny's head and pulling the trigger just so he can save a few bucks by not having buy food for the big-dumb-bastard's bunnies. With that in mind, I warn you all to NEVER mouseover anything with red text in anything I write. If your reading this in your email, it won't work anyways, so make sure you read the web-edition so you can specifically NOT mouse over any red text.


My Turtle Died!

My pet turtle, Donatello died this week. I'm not sure of the exact reasons, he might have choked on the purple bandana I forced him to wear... Or maybe the pizza I forced him to eat was poisonous. I'll never know for sure... Anyways, I was all depressed so I decided to go for a walk. While I was out a group of Scientologist accosted me and tried to get me to use their stupid E-meters. I honestly thought that everyone quit this religion after Tom Cruise went crazy. I guess not... So I decided to take this time to point out the top 5 reasons you should avoid Scientology.

Top 5 Reasons to Avoid Scientology

First up is the The movie, Battlefield Earth (2000). This stomach-retching *#@$-storm John Travolta created to honor his prophet, L. Ron Hubard is either the worst movie of all time or the best public service announcement warning the public to avoid Scientology I've ever seen. This movie is so bad that the US Government used to torture Guantanamo detainees by forcing them to watch it. Apparently, viewing this movie simulates drowning much like water-boarding, except instead of water it simulates drowning in your own blood as it gushes out of your eye sockets. Maybe I left my tv on and my turtle accidently watched this movie and died?

Second, Ugly Women. If you decide to become a scientologist, you'll have to resort to dating some of the ugliest women on the planet. Don't belive me? Google "Scientologist women" and on the first page alone you'll be presented with these hideous images below


Personally, I would rather date my dead turtle.

Next up, no Social Networking! According to the advanced spiritual training from the Church of Scientology, members should "Go to a zoo or a place with many types of life and communicate with each of them until you know the communication is received and, if possible, returned." That's right! Not only do they ask you to communicate with plants & animals, they want you to do it without the usage of twitter, text messaging, or instant messaging. Who wants to actually leave their house to go talk to something? On top of all that, they want you to keep communicating with them until you know your communication was recieved... If I did that I would still be staring at my pet asking him why he wasn't eating the pizza I put in his cage.

The fourth reason you should avoid Scientology is Anonymous. Anonymous is a group of super hackers who hate Scientologists. According to their video, if you join the Church of Scientology you could expect serious repercussions. They have declared open war against anyone who joins this evil organization. Do not mess with them. A few months back they easily hacked one of the worlds top internet security firms and destroyed the life of it's CEO. They even have the power to hack your wifi and use it to send communications to your pets, telling them not to eat the delicious pizza that's been sitting in their cage for 3 weeks.

Finally, I leave you the 5th reason below. I shouldn't need to say anything more.

L. Ron Hubbard

Phew, it's finally over!

Kevin “Arxkanite” Flapjacker.

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TenTonHammer.com
 

I can't believe I wrote this /wrist.

This some how greatly amused me. Also thanks for putting my off my dominoes pizza...NOT :(

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