Duke Nukem Forever (PC) Review

Game:
Ten Ton Hammer
Ten Ton Hammer Rating
64

It has been 12 years.  Twelve goddamn years to wait since Duke Nukem Forever was announced. In that time, most of us have been through several jobs, possibly several levels of school, and maybe even several spouses.   The latter might be true if you’re the undisputed king of badasses, but that would require Duke Nukem to actually marry someone.   Maybe that special stripper you handed all those hundred dollar bills to back in Duke Nukem 3D?  Don't worry, you'll be seeing some of those in this long-awaited sequel too.

Whatever.  The point is, we’ve been through few console generations and have gained a few gigabytes of RAM since the idea of Duke Nukem Forever was introduced.  Gearbox has taken over the long forgotten child of 3D Realms and now we’re looking at a game that actively mocks every aspect of its long development process, its competition, and everything but the Duke himself.

But have we outgrown the Duke?  Or is this legendary product something that should’ve remained a myth?

Cautions

Duke Nukem was never a guy for children. He hangs out with the wrong kinds of ladies and has a mouth that only his mother could love, until the aliens captured her along with the rest of the chicks. Now no one can appreciate his tone. Keep the kids away from this one.

Gameplay - 50 / 100

Duke Nukem
Forever
is a collective sum of a ton of seemingly fun activities—run and gun
action,
boots to the head, mild platforming, pinball, pumping iron,
remote-controlled
car puzzles, and lovely shrunken Duke action.
And it’s all terrible.
Even the intro, which has you running
around a base
seemingly ‘interacting’ with security and eventually riding an elevator
to the
Stadium stage from the classic and dueling a badass with nothing but
the
Devastator feels lackluster.  Duke
moves
anemically, and can’t reload or fire during a sprint. 
The last I recall, Duke pops steroids and
outruns RPG shots.  What
the hell is with
every first person shooter making it so you can’t sprint and fire?  This is the one shooter
that could break that
stupid mold aside from Serious Sam,
and it failed on that point.

Duke, we know you're great.
 Even the bowl cut kid knows it.  So why'd you agree
to star in this?

Even as you’re unloading rounds into
classic enemies ranging
from machine gun packing lizards to the almighty Pig Cop, Duke’s humor
has lost
its touch.  Duke
spouts a good line every
now and then, but for the most part, Duke is just crude and not
humorous in his
application of four letter words. 
When
he’s not talking, you might find the occasional cool reference in the
environment, but you know why those are cool? 
They’re references to good games. 
This is not one of them to be immortalized in an intro
later.
Every mini-game feels forced and adds
nothing to the
game.  Miniduke
jumping in an RC car and
tearing ass around a building is fun for a minutes, but an entire 20-30
minute
sequence?  Are you
serious?  I can’t
even kill any mutants during this
event, and the Duke NEVER leaves an enemy behind. 
Little turret sequences and respective bosses
really don’t feel like things Duke would do. 
You know what else Duke can do?

Even a classic fight like this
has humanity helping Duke by airlifting in ammunition.  Screw
that.  It's down to you and me, you one eyed freak.

Hold more than two damn weapons.  For a game that once stood
for the definition
of badass first person shooting with no holds barred, why
the hell can’t Duke hold more than two guns? 
He can’t hit a pool ball straight either, and
the various other mini-games that raise your ‘ego’ or shield (yes, it
behaves
like every other goddamn shield in every other modern FPS these days)
range
from hidden and annoying to ‘downright rage inducing’ with achievements
like
the million point pinball score.

Graphics - 60 / 100

The Duke looks good, but the same
cannot be said for the
rest of the world.  Even
the chicks don’t
look all that impressive, which is a travesty. 
Duke does not rescue mediocre women, we should all know
this by
now.  He chalks them
up as Pipe Bomb
collateral damage.  There
are some cool
lighting effects here and there, but the whole game reeks of
multi-stage
development.  Some
places like the Hive
are incredibly well done and sport advanced effects, and others barely
pass for
Half-Life 2 at best.
“Damn, I’m
looking
good”  We
know, Duke.  Apparently
the rest of the game was dressed
down to make him seem that much more badass…

Sound - 77 / 100

The actual sound itself is wonderfully done. The Duke sounds like the Duke, and the women sound delightfully cheesy/forced in their line delivery. The writing of the lines though is often mediocre though.


Weapons ring true, explosions are often and loud, and there’s a good sound effect for delivering justice up close and personal after popping some steroids. It sounds like a Duke Nukem game, that’s for sure. The only thing that is lacking is a killer original musical track, but you’ll get plenty of remixed classic themes as you go.

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