It has been 12 years.
Twelve goddamn years to wait since Duke
Nukem Forever was announced. In that time, most of us have
several jobs, possibly several levels of school, and maybe even several
latter might be true if
youre the undisputed king of badasses, but that would require Duke
actually marry someone.
special stripper you handed all those hundred dollar bills to back in Duke Nukem 3D? Don't
worry, you'll be seeing some of those in this long-awaited sequel too.
Don't worry, you'll be seeing some of those in this long-awaited sequel too.
Whatever. The point is, weve been through few console generations and have gained a few gigabytes of RAM since the idea of Duke Nukem Forever was introduced. Gearbox has taken over the long forgotten child of 3D Realms and now were looking at a game that actively mocks every aspect of its long development process, its competition, and everything but the Duke himself.
But have we outgrown the Duke? Or is this legendary product something that shouldve remained a myth?
Duke Nukem was never a guy for children. He hangs out with the wrong kinds of ladies and has a mouth that only his mother could love, until the aliens captured her along with the rest of the chicks. Now no one can appreciate his tone. Keep the kids away from this one.
is a collective sum of a ton of seemingly fun activitiesrun and gun
boots to the head, mild platforming, pinball, pumping iron,
car puzzles, and lovely shrunken Duke action.
And its all terrible.
Even the intro, which has you running
around a base
seemingly interacting with security and eventually riding an elevator
Stadium stage from the classic and dueling a badass with nothing but
Devastator feels lackluster. Duke
anemically, and cant reload or fire during a sprint.
The last I recall, Duke pops steroids and
outruns RPG shots. What
the hell is with
every first person shooter making it so you cant sprint and fire? This is the one shooter
that could break that
stupid mold aside from Serious Sam,
and it failed on that point.
Duke, we know you're great.
Even the bowl cut kid knows it. So why'd you agree
to star in this?
Even as youre unloading rounds into
classic enemies ranging
from machine gun packing lizards to the almighty Pig Cop, Dukes humor
its touch. Duke
spouts a good line every
now and then, but for the most part, Duke is just crude and not
humorous in his
application of four letter words.
hes not talking, you might find the occasional cool reference in the
environment, but you know why those are cool?
Theyre references to good games.
This is not one of them to be immortalized in an intro
Every mini-game feels forced and adds
nothing to the
jumping in an RC car and
tearing ass around a building is fun for a minutes, but an entire 20-30
sequence? Are you
serious? I cant
even kill any mutants during this
event, and the Duke NEVER leaves an enemy behind.
Little turret sequences and respective bosses
really dont feel like things Duke would do.
You know what else Duke can do?
Even a classic fight like this
has humanity helping Duke by airlifting in ammunition. Screw
that. It's down to you and me, you one eyed freak.
Hold more than two damn weapons. For a game that once stood
for the definition
of badass first person shooting with no holds barred, why
the hell cant Duke hold more than two guns?
He cant hit a pool ball straight either, and
the various other mini-games that raise your ego or shield (yes, it
like every other goddamn shield in every other modern FPS these days)
from hidden and annoying to downright rage inducing with achievements
the million point pinball score.
The Duke looks good, but the same
cannot be said for the
rest of the world. Even
the chicks dont
look all that impressive, which is a travesty.
Duke does not rescue mediocre women, we should all know
now. He chalks them
up as Pipe Bomb
collateral damage. There
are some cool
lighting effects here and there, but the whole game reeks of
places like the Hive
are incredibly well done and sport advanced effects, and others barely
Half-Life 2 at best.
know, Duke. Apparently
the rest of the game was dressed
down to make him seem that much more badass
The actual sound itself is wonderfully done. The Duke sounds like the Duke, and the women sound delightfully cheesy/forced in their line delivery. The writing of the lines though is often mediocre though.
Weapons ring true, explosions are often and loud, and theres a good sound effect for delivering justice up close and personal after popping some steroids. It sounds like a Duke Nukem game, thats for sure. The only thing that is lacking is a killer original musical track, but youll get plenty of remixed classic themes as you go.