Welcome to the 30th edition of Reloading...
All the women in my life complain about my choice of Cuisine. They claim it’s “unhealthy” or will shave 10 years off my life. No way! Below is a honest-to-god picture of my kitchen cupboard.
First you’ll see, that I’m very responsible and have plenty of Ramen Noodles. These noodles count as grains, salt, and fat. All together, there is 148 packages of Oriental flavor noodles. I’m totally prepared for nuclear war now!
In addition, you’ll see I have plenty of cereal. There is Fruity Pebbles, Count Chocula, and Crunch Berries. I’m too poor to buy the name brand stuff, so I have to settle with the plastic flavored alternative. That’s why you’ll see a box of aspartame sweetener there. I add about 5 packages to my pre-sweetened cereals to give it more kick. I’m using fake sugar because I’ve convinced myself, that if I do, I won’t get Diabetes.
Ignore the oatmeal and 3 boxes of cereal on the bottom shelf. The oatmeal NEVER gets eaten. Its mostly there in case I run out of ramen noodles and become desperate. The 3 boxes of cereal on the bottom right have been there for about 6 months now. They are empty... I’m just too lazy to throw them away. Besides, the special K boxes say they will help me lose weight!
Finally... for the love of god... I have no idea why... but there is a can of beans in my cupboard!? How did that get there? Did someone break in and put it there? Seriously... WTF?
Potentially-Exploding Texas Grilled Cheese Sandwich of Doom™
(Ed. note - Ten Ton Hammer assumes no responsibility should you choose to make the Potentially-Exploding Texas Grilled Cheese Sandwich of Doom™, but it does sound tasty)
Occasionally, I have a few extra bucks, so I make my favorite meal of all time! The “Potentially-Exploding Texas Grilled Cheese Sandwich of Doom™!” What you do is buy those frozen packages of Texas Toast. Now... if you look carefully the box will warn you in about 8 places that in no uncertain terms, it is super dangerous to put these in a regular toaster. This is because the toaster can get hot enough that the butter’s oil flashes and explodes out of your toaster, splattering everything (including you), with flaming grease.
In addition, any oil that doesn’t explode tends to drip all over the inside of the toaster, and the next time you use it, it will burn off as carbon monoxide potentially poisoning everyone in the house.
However, if your a pro cook like me, you can avoid the dangers involved in this super satisfying sandwich. First off, I have someone living in my basement, this means I need to produce twice as much carbon monoxide to kill anyone. Second, I surround the toaster with a fire extinguisher and other oils. This will cause the flaming oils in the toaster to transfer their heat to the exterior oils via osmosis, and prevent the toaster from exploding.
After the toast finishes, simply slap a huge hunkin’ chunk of cheese between the two slices and enjoy the sexiest “sammich” of all time. You shouldn’t allow the toast to cooldown, otherwise the sandwich wont burn off your carbon-monoxide tasting taste buds. This could potentially cause the sandwich to taste like poison (and not the good kind!).
(Safety First! If you look closely, you can see the poisonous fumes rise from the toaster.)
--Kevin “Arxkanite” Munchtire.