Welcome to the 27th edition of Reloading…
"Don’t geniuses live in lamps?
” – Patrick Star
Everyone can use a feel good moment to start the day. Let’s go with this…
And so, at 5:00 am in the morning, my phone rang. If you are anything at all like me, you immediately think the worst. Nobody and I mean nobody calls someone at 5:00 am unless it is a dire emergency. I say this because who on this side of the planet is up at 5:00 am? The anxiety of rushing to get the phone at such an hour is borne on a wave of fear created as our sleep deprived minds try to determine what in the name of peanut butter would not only force someone out of their warm bed at 5:00 am, but prompt them to call somebody else. It can’t be good.
So, I stumble out of bed, rush to get to the phone before three rings, because we all know that the fourth ring goes to voicemail and whoever woke me up is going to hang up the phone no matter how important the issue.
Ri…hangup – “Sure the house is on fire, but I’m not talking to a damn machine!”
As I get to the phone, just as the third ring begins I see a number on our call display that I don’t recognize. First off, it’s a number and not a name. I generally construe this to mean that it is somebody who doesn’t want me to know who they are. It might be a telemarketer or maybe the dentist, regardless it’s somebody that you never, ever, pick up the phone to talk to.
I’m up and disturbed (boy am I disturbed), so I answer the phone.
It’s a fax, obviously from someone in a third world country since everyone else has e-mail. I hang up.
I climb back into bed. 10 minutes go by and I’m back to sleep when.
Are you kidding me? It’s autodialing me every 10 minutes. I shake my fist at our toner filled overlords and unplug the phone. Not exactly the start to the day that I was looking for. You can’t do much to combat a fax machine, just ask Sarah Connor, but you can have some fun with telemarketers. Here’s how…
The next time that a telemarketer calls, respond only with quotes from your favourite MMOG. I’ll use World of Warcraft as an example.
Top 10 World of Warcraft quotes to say to telemarketers
10. Break yourselves upon my body.
9. I will paint my face with your blood.
8. Too soon! You have called me too soon executus! What is the meaning of this intrusion?
6. Prepare yourselves, the bells have tolled. Shelter your weak, your young and your old! Each of you shall pay the final sum! CRY for mercy! THE RECKONING has come!
5. Time is money friend! (Repeat using your best goblin voice without stopping until they hangup.
4. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Time for a new game. My old toys will fight my new toys.
3. Death is close. You are already dead. Your courage will fail. Your friends will abandon you. You will betray your friends. You will die. You are weak. Your heart will explode.
2. Madness has brought you here to me. I shall be your undoing. Simple fools, time is the fire by which you burn. I see the subtlety of conception is beyond primitives such as you.
1. Please no more! My son, he’s gone mad. Who are you? What do you want? Stay away from me! I want this nightmare to be over!
Share your thoughts
on something from the column today or just in general. Do you know which Warcraft NPC says each quote?
Until we meet again,
John “Boomjack” Hoskin