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When was the last time someone gave you 14 days of something free? Yeah, yeah, besides AOL? The answer my friend, is blowing in the solar wind. The team at CCP, the developers of EVE Online are offering all of our TenTonHammer.com readers a 14-day free trial of the game. It's the only MMOG that I know of where you can hold down a job transporting strippers to their next job. Don't keep the strippers waiting, get your 14-Day FREE Trial!

One of our readers who goes by the super-secret codename of "Sharon" sent in this first impression of EVE Online;

"That lady computer trainer told me to right click on everything to make it work, but no matter how many times I right click that naked hologram for the Gallente pleasure center it does nothing! =P"

Strippers and pleasure centers, what could go wrong? In a game where your social status is measured by the size of your ship I'd say nothing, nothing at all. Think of it like the Las Vegas of MMOGs. What happens in EVE Online stays in EVE Online.

I lit the fires and kicked the tires of EVE long ago and to be fair I'm not sure that I gave it enough of a try to truly see how things worked. It is a complicated game, the anti-World of Warcraft so to speak, where training is done in real time, whether you are logged in or not. It is a place where stock markets ebb and flow and corporations (guilds) rule the solar seas. PvP is allowed, but sanctioned only in less secure areas of the universe.

My only disappointment, as I download the EVE client to give it another whirl is that it won't run on my MacBook Pro laptop. You see, I could actually play EVE while I was playing something else. Wrap your head around that.
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Our "Dead of Summer" contest rolls on even though my tagline of, "I don't want her. You cadaver her. She's too fat for me." was declined as part of the promotional ads. Nonetheless, $500 worth of prizes including Tabula Rasa and Pirates of the Burning Sea beta slots are yours to win! Special thanks to ZBoard, NCSoft and Flying Labs Software for generously donating the prizes!
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Make your mark. Mark your territory. Post a comment. If you are shy you can E-Mail me.
Every good guild needs a home. A home free of gold ads, secondary market farmers. Look no further than GuildPortal.com.

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Exclusive new TenTonHammer.com Content!
Let us entertain you or at the very least waste some of your time at work.07.27.2006 Exclusive Content

• "Dead of Summer" Contest - Beta Slots And $500 In Prizes
  "With prizes including several great Zboard products, beta slots for upcoming MMOs like Tabula Rasa and Pirates of the Burning Sea, World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade pre-orders, skads of gamecards, and autographed prints from Tabula Rasa master developers Richard "Lord British" Garriott and Starr Long, the Ten Ton Hammer "Dead of Summer" contest prize list has something for every kind of MMO gamer!"
• Dungeons and Dragons Online: Casting On The Fly - Guide To Metamagic Feats
  "The arcane master knows that mere spells alone will not solve all of the problems in Stormreach. It takes careful planning and judicious use of Metamagic Feats to maximize the effectiveness of spells in Dungeons & Dragons Online: Stormreach (DDO). And tabletop gamers beware: Metamagic Feats work differently in DDO. Darkgolem has the scoop."
• EverQuest 2: SoE Block Party - A Troubadour's Existential Journey
  "Did you miss the SOE block party last weekend, like I did? Fortunately, that didn't stop Ten Ton Hammer from getting someone inside. What happened, and why should you have gone? Look inside to find out!"
• EverQuest 2: Gnolls Versus Orcs - Coyote Sharptongue
  "A struggle on a epic scale, the battle between the Orcs and the Gnolls. Who would win? The answer will suprise you (or not once you realize Coyote wrote this). Take a look at the hard hitting facts, as Coyote enlightens you on the strengths and weaknesses of these two races."
• Vanguard: Official Forum Round-up
  "Don't have time to rummage through the threads on the official Vanguard forums (OVF)? No problem! Once again, Aunraye has collected a list of interesting threads for your forum stalking pleasure. This week she includes threads about waves (you know, on the water when you travel by boat), unique (as in there's only one) in-game items, and a thread recounting a forum member's chat with Brad McQuaid at the SOE Block Party. Check it out!"
• World of Warcraft - Mage Guide
  "Not to be egotistical or anything (I mean a guy with the self appointed title of Messiah wouldn’t have an ego, would he?), but we at TenTonHammer have some of the best class guides out there! And the few times we screw up or let something slip by our omnipotent vision, we listen to all our loyal readers and quickly correct our mistakes or add things the missing items. Well, lately we’ve gotten a few comments that something seemed to be missing from the Mage guide on our site, so I’ve spent the last little while reviewing and updating it. Just a few of the many updates that we did are:
  * Patch 1.11 Talent Builds
  * Leveling Builds
  * Spell Efficiency Table
  * Split section 6
  * Updated Spell and Talent information
  * Updated item and set information
  * Updated Macros Section
  * Added Polymorph pull section
  So, what are you waiting for? Go and check out our completely updated Mage guide!"
• World of Warcraft: Guide To Blackwing Lair
  "Ten Ton Hammer's Guide to Blackwing Lair contains everything you need to know about this infamous dungeon to succeed. From boss enemies to their minions, we have everything covered. Tactics, diagrams, and everything else that would be needed to slay some dragons. Whether you are attempting this dungeon for the first time or need some new tactics for enemies that are giving you difficulty, our guide can help!"
• World of Warcraft: Guide To The Barrens
  "The Barrens is the premier World of Warcraft zone for Horde characters in their teens to quest and gain near-effortless experience. WoW - Ten Ton Hammer's newest beginner guide looks at this region, a favorite of critics and players alike for its solid design. It's all the goodness you expect from a Ten Ton Hammer region guide, with background, a walkthrough and a detailed map, quest details, harvesting tips, and advice on where to adventure next! "

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Vin Diesel Fact of the Day - Vin Diesel only needs a stunt double for scenes in which he is asked to cry.

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Now on to the real world. You can't make this stuff up.

• Professor Invents "Ripeness Sticker" For Fruit [Thanks Matt]
  B.O. sticker for humans still reeks away from delivery.
• Inmate Signs Real Name On Bomb Hoaxes [Thanks Matt]
  If they couldn't find him, how were they going to meet his demands?
• Machete-Wielder Shot In Gun Shop [Thanks Matt]
  Indiana Jones unavailable for comment.
• No Clowning Around In Threatened Lawsuit [Thanks Matt]
  Includes picture of butt-ugliest clown you will see today.

As always, thanks for visiting TenTonHammer.com,
-- John "Boomjack" Hoskin

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