Save the children. I was approached by Sally Struthers, or someone claiming to be Sally Struthers via e-mail yesterday. It appears that the Christian Children's Fund wants me to give, give, give until I become as impoverished as the children that they want me to help. At which point the children in Darfur will immigrate to Canada and forcibly extricate me from my home. They have weapons training. I don't. It's an insidious plot and I'll have no part of it.
The letter started me thinking about the children in the MMOGs that we play. Not the real children who sit behind keyboards, their parents watching helplessly as they call me a "b1atch", their eight-year-old fingers a blur across the keyboard as their Night Elf rogue (or rouge as the cool kids call them) dismembers me in less than 12 seconds in some PvP encounter; no I'm referring to the children NPCs in the games.
Obviously a virtual Sally Struthers, perhaps played by an Ogre with grease dripping off its chin, didn't appear in MMOGs in time to save the children. There are so few children NPCs in MMOGs that there is little reason not to believe that the societies entrenched in these games are mere months from extinction. The few children to be found in World of Warcraft are either being chased through the Barrens by bees or are up 24/7 stealing their sister Molly's dolly in Stormwind. For cripes sake Molly, it has been two-years and you still haven't got the doll back. Give it up!
The Halflings in Everquest 2 are a bit like children; hairy, smelly, liquored up children who live in houses made of mud. They are the closest thing we have to the children that CCF is trying to help.
Apparently cybering doesn't produce offspring. It's either that or the fact that 92% of female characters are played by men and when men link up with men, well, even virtual nature can't invoke procreation no matter how many dirty words you throw around. As Kevin Perreira once said on 'Arena',
"It's a lot like my bachelor party, bodies flying everywhere, but nothing is getting accomplished."
We need to protect the few virtual MMOG children that exist. I suggest, The Orgrimmar Children's Fund.
Child Focused Development: The Orgrimmar Children's Fund helps children by tackling the root cause of poverty, inflated auction house pricing caused by gold farmers. Half of Azeroth's poorest children are in Orgrimmar. The other child is in Stormwind.
Orgrimmar Children's Fund understands that poverty is a complex problem and has more than 65 seconds of experience in addressing the root causes of poverty, most notably that they don't have any money. OCF creates programs (not bots mind you) in a variety of different areas that provide practical assistance to impoverished communities.
Orgrimmar Children's Fund development model is made up of interventions in four primary sectors.
- Early Childhood Development - Thrall's daycare stands empty. The jungle gym in Gnomergan is infested with lepers. How are the impoverished children of Azeroth to learn skill like how to load a Barney DVD or how to order a McIronforge Happy Meal?
- Health and Sanitation - Sewers, but no toilets. Water, but no showers. Not to mention there are no vendors who sell deodorant or even toothbrushes.
- Education - Where are the schools? We have churches, but we have no schools. Stormwind has a teacher. Of course, she leads her class around the city willy-nilly 24/7, but the foundation is there. Thunder Bluff, Orgrimmar and the Undercity are all without educational institutions, children's books or facilities to educate their one child.
- Nutrition - Vendors charge exorbitant prices and mages though it means only minutes of their time refuse to conjure bread or water for the poor.
You can make a difference. Donate now! Donate often! You can sponsor a child for less than the cost of +50 health to chest enchant per day.
The Orgrimmar Children's Fund. Bringing positive change to Azeroth's children for nearly four minutes.
Save the children. Discuss!
Make your mark. Mark your territory. Post a comment. If you are shy you can E-Mail me.
Every good guild needs a home. A home free of gold ads, secondary market farmers. Look no further than GuildPortal.com.
Exclusive new TenTonHammer.com Content!
Let us entertain you or at the very least waste some of your time at work.06.28.2006 Exclusive Content
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Dungeons and Dragons Online: A Guide To Bardic Music
"Bard Week rolls on here at Ten Ton Hammer, and we have more bard goodness for you! This time, Ralsu delves into the mechanics of Bardic Music, and we offer our strong suggestion that you read his guide." -
EverQuest 2: Adventures In Armouring
"A massive change in Live Update #24 was the revamp of the Tradeskilling system. Join RadarX as he does what he swore he would never, and revisits crafting. Watch in horror as he knits sweaters, prepares tea, and bakes quiche." -
Vanguard: Saga of Heroes - Druid Class Guide Revamped
"When you think of the Vanguard: Saga of Heroes Druid, think arcane damage dealer, earth elemental wrangler, secondary healer, and utility class extraordinaire. There's much to discover about the versatile druid, and we've compiled some of the most recent information into our revamped guide." -
World of Warcraft: Silverpine Forest Guide
"Once you have completed your adventures as a Forsaken in Tirisfal Glades your next move is to Silverpine Forest to the south. Here you will find the Sepulcher and the apothecary Renferrel. Here you really start your journey and you will spend quite a few levels advancing through quests to advance your knowledge of the Scourge."
Vin Diesel Fact of the Day - If it looks like chicken and tastes like chicken, but Vin Diesel says it's beef then it is beef!
Now on to the real world. You can't make this stuff up.
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Axl Rose Bites Security Guard On The Leg [Thanks Michael]
Mistook him for a mailman. -
Snake Changes Colour [Thanks Matt]
Prepare for the sequel: Snakes On A Plane: Changing Colour -
England Fans Drink Pubs Dry [Thanks Matt]
"Beer never coming back! Ale sue!" they exclaimed. -
Schools Ban Games At Recess [Thanks Matt]
Replacement activities include "Not it" and "impersonate the sloth". -
Senator Wants IRS To Chase After Pimps [Thanks Matt]
He promises to chase after the hookers. -
Condom Truck Crashes, Blocks Highway [Thanks Matt]
Rubber hits the road.
As always, thanks for visiting TenTonHammer.com,
-- John "Boomjack" Hoskin
