The Best WORST MMO - Ever.

By Coyote Sharptongue

We've all had our dreams about what the best MMORPG ever would be like. Some imagine gold and glory, and some like like me just imagine barely dressed women saying naughty things to me. Yet others have gone as far as to write down their perfect game in lengthy paragraph forum with amazing detail and clarity only to have it skimmed over by 90% of the population because it's waaaay too long to read.

Be it battles or adventure, graphics or storyline, everyone has an idea of what the "perfect" MMO would be like...

But what about the WORST?

Okay, sure, you can throw jokes and take easy shots at the up and coming games like Africa Online, or point out that the Matrix Online sucked so badly that whenever you boot it up your monitor becomes a vortex like the kid's closet for poltergeist, sucking up everything but that scary-ass demonic clown. But that would be too easy. So instead I sat down and did some actual research, painstakingly making up facts and statistics until I could come up with what I thought would be the WORST MMO in the history of all that has ever, or could ever suck. (Seriously, that clown gave me nightmares until I was in my early twenties.)

What would make an MMO so unbearable to play, so outrageously bad that you would throw down your keyboard in disgust and shun video games for the rest of your life, instead opting to raise goats and become a part time Sherpa? (As if the cool Sherpa Hat wasn't incentive enough.)

The answer is easy - giving in.

Giving in to all of the media hype and religious groups and watch groups and hidden agenda communities that scream about video game violence and scantily clad characters that destroy our minds and make us reprogrammed zombies incapable of any free thought. Letting this small minority of angry zealots dictate what we play because something somewhere might have offended someone. Letting THEM create the "Perfect MMO".

Imagine if you will...

An MMO with no violence what-so-ever. No besting a hellish demon in combat, no stomping on an animated mushroom, hell no breaking of boxes or barrels to find loot, because destruction of an object, no matter how inanimate is violent. Jumping is right out as well, as you could accidentally land on another player, or in his "personal" space which some do consider hostile.

That leaves your character to do what? Walk around and maybe do collection quests. (No butterflies or living creatures however, as that's digital cruelty to virtual animals). Or ponder about non-controversial things such as the non-existent weather (Some people like rain, some don’t - controversy!) with other grey skinned featureless blobs.

Oh? Did I mention that you'd be a featureless blob of grey ...blobiness? That's because to denote skin color or pigmentation in a game could be conceived as racial discrimination or bias, and in the Perfect MMO there is none, so everyone is a featureless, dull, gray blob that doesn't fight. Blobs aren't skinny or fat, and you can't scantily clad a blob. (But in the interest of HACKERS who *will* try, each and every blob will be fitted with a "Blob covering" of equal non-descript grayness.)

Sound fun so far?

No more names either, because names can be taken as offensive, especially by those who would choose offensive names on purpose. No, we'll all be called by our designation number. A randomly generated number that has no bearing on how long we've been in game so that no one can judge you based on your experience. (666 in all forms is filtered out for *obvious* reasons) Any numbers that seem offense can be reported with one of the many available "report abuse" tools and functions that will be made easily accessible to all of the players. Self policing is the best policing.

Not that you'd be able to tell the other players that you are planning on policing. See, "talking" to another player could be taken as a hostile action, especially if they are shy, or timid. So instead of words, you'll be given three "emotes" for communication. A nod for "Yes", a nod for "no" and a humorous "Quibble" in which your blob vibrates in a non-suggestive manner.

Featureless grey vibrating blobs that can't jump with names like "579472" walking around and collecting rocks for experience. I can't think of a worst MMO than that. Of course, to some it would be the perfect game.

No violence, no race or religion, no controversy and sadly enough...

No players.