Exteel may
sound like a bad knockoff of a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHP6ac81_sQ"
laxative hiding on
shelves across the country, but fortunately for you (not to mention
me), I discovered this game was more like a hand full of No-Doze chased
down with a couple of Red Bulls. After the torturous abuse I went
through to bring you a write-up on href="http://www.tentonhammer.com/node/47619" target="_blank">Regnum
last week, I would
rather have plopped my butt down in the href="http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070331"
Chair for a solid year
than play another free-to-play online game. Though often cruel, the
gaming gods saw fit to look upon me with divine favor this week in a
gracious act of mercy.

The vast majority (or as I sometimes refer to them, “the vast
cesspool”) of F2P games available are based on the tried and
true genre of high fantasy. Humans, elves, monsters, and more run
around in an enchanted land, picking daisies, singing merrily, all
while feeling special in that short bus kind of way. If magic and
fantasy are what make you hotter for a game than a shot of pheromones
to the face, this may not be the game for you.

The first time you step foot into Exteel,
you're immediately whisked
away to a semi-lengthy tutorial with a myriad of objectives to
complete. Unlike that insurance seminar you had to sit through last
week, this is actually time well spent. Completion of each section in
the tutorial gives bonus items and credits, all of which you'll be
extremely grateful for later. If you don't take the time to complete
the lessons presented to you, you'll find yourself moving around some
of the combat zones with the speed of a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackalope" target="_blank">Jackalope
with no legs. You
have to learn the ins and outs of maneuvering competently to have any
chance of being successful in the game. Trust me, it's worth the time
and effort!

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href="http://www.tentonhammer.com/node/47886" target="_blank"> title="A Keep Siege" alt="A Keep Siege"
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weave, or die!

Exteel has
far more in common with target="_blank">Battletech
than any game I've ever
seen and just in case you had the audacity to wonder: Yes, that is a
good thing. After being tossed into your Mechanaught, you engage your
enemies with either ranged or melee weapons in a fight to the death
using in-your-face combat techniques at speeds that would make the
Devil dizzy enough to vomit. By the way, those enemies that I
mentioned? Yeah - they're all other players. The href="http://www.tentonhammer.com/node/47790" target="_blank">PvP
bug I was
bitten by has started running rampant in my veins. I
get enough!

The environment and Mech graphics may not be the most attractive you've
ever seen, but at least you won't have the urge to gnaw your arm off
when you wake up in the morning. With the intense speed of the matches
you'll find yourself in, cutting edge graphics would most likely bring
any system to a crawl, and that's the last thing you'd want in this
action-packed thrill ride.

The maps are varied and more intricate than many of those found in more
popular FPS games. As mentioned above, if you haven't taken the time to
learn the basics of maneuvering these winding streets, hallways, and
building tops, you're going to be at an insane disadvantage. Some of
the maps can be more confusing than the Advanced Theoretical Physics
class you're currently failing, but unlike your plummeting GPA, I view
this as a good thing. It means there are an abundant amount of walls,
building supports, and balcony edges to use for not only cover during
combat, but to also get the drop on some unsuspecting noob (me) for a
quick kill.

On the surface, Exteel
may appear to be little more than a basic FPS (First Person Shooter)
with robots instead of the standard past, present, or future soldiers
of the video game world. You have your Mech, you hop into various games
and maps via the target="_blank">use
of a lobby, and do your best to kill other players in a
variety of matches ranging from Deathmatch to Team Capture the Flag.
Looking at the game this way is like looking at a rundown Volkswagen
Rabbit and thinking it's the same thing as a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shelby_Mustang#1967"
Ford Shelby GT 500 - there's just no comparison.

The true strength of Exteel
lies within the staggering variety of customization and number
crunching available to players. From hit points, to energy points, to
heat dispersion, and more, this game has more depth than the href="http://geology.com/records/deepest-part-of-the-ocean.shtml"
Trench. Each piece of your Mech's body can be changed out for
another and there are more than a few body parts to choose from. Not
only can you change each piece individually, but you can give your Mech
a custom paintjob as well. Whether you want to make the coolest looking
Mech on the block, or one that's gaudier than href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tammy_Faye_Messner"
Faye Baker, the choice is yours.

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href="http://www.tentonhammer.com/node/47887" target="_blank"> title="PvE Combat" alt="PvE Combat"
style="border: 2px solid ; width: 200px;">

style="font-style: italic;">Mechs with guns and swords...
doesn't get much cooler than that!

Your Mech design isn't limited to simply changing parts or their
colors. If that were the case, I'd have to bend myself over my own knee
for a good whacking after my claims of customization! As you progress
through your career of carnage, you accumulate experience points to go
along with that cash you've been hoarding for various parts. Along with
some nifty titles for those that enjoy the feel of military ranks (and
you know you civilians do), those points also grant you the ability to
choose different skills with which to torture and oppress your
sniveling opponents with. Did I forget to mention you can acquire more
than 100 levels? Don't worry... my jaw dropped too, so I'll wait for
you to pick yours up.

With all the praise I've been heaping on (I know, I know - it shocked
me too!), there has to be some downsides to the game or everyone and
their mother would have heard about it by now, right? Unfortunately,
you're not wrong.

One problem with playing a game built around the use of lobbies is that
each one is like a chat room, and not the good kind you're ashamed to
admit you frequent. The chat mainly consists of commentary about how
awesome a player is, how badly you and grandmother suck eggs, and how
big his "woohoo" is. It's not pretty.

There's also the seedy side of itemization. A number of Mech pieces
need to be bought with href="http://www.exteel.com/us/gameinfo/nccoin.html"
NCcoins, or to put it in layman's terms, cold hard cash.
While the items look worthy of some small amount of coin, I haven't
found myself disastrously held back by avoiding this aspect of the
game. But considering my lack of true PvP skill, I don't think any of
the pay upgrades could help me enough to justify the cost anyway.

Overall, the game is both far more entertaining and engaging than it
has any right to be. While it offers enough depth of character
customization to keep any min/max-lover happy until their eyes bleed,
it also allows the more inept to feel comfortable in their efforts. The
fast action, impressive number of levels and titles to attain, along
with interesting map layouts all point towards this game making you
happier than seeing your mother-in-law's tail lights on a Sunday
afternoon. Too bad the juvenile delinquents frequenting the lobby and
the need to purchase some of the better Mech pieces in the game keep me
from giving this game 5 out of 5 hammers.

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(4 / 5 Hammers)

To read the latest guides, news, and features you can visit our Exteel Game Page.

Last Updated: Mar 29, 2016