Coyote's Ultimate Guide to Warhammer Online Part 2
Character Creation: High Elves and Dark Elves
A Warhammer Guide (really?) by: Coyote
If there was ever to be a war to end all wars, it would be fought by elves.
Which doesn't really sound impressive, does it?
With Orcs you have walls of slobbering muscle slamming tree sized clubs covered in blood and gore into the skulls of their enemies. Dwarves are stinky little man-badgers who can take you out at the knee and pull your underwear up over your buddy's head faster than you can say "Atomic Stunty". But elves? Those namby-pamby prancing fairies of bed time stories? The ones that crap rainbows and fart glitter?
When does that get intimidating?
Instead of grunting war cries and spatterings of blood and ichors, you envision what? Hard slapping, maybe some hair pulling, and a lot of that "chest bump" crap that two guys who don't really want to fight do when then want to look tough but not end up with their ass slung up over their shoulders. Luckily for us, High Elf verses Dark Elf gets a little bit more hardcore and cooler than that.
...but ya know. Not by much. We're still talking elves here.
High Elves Versus Dark Elves
Too Sexy for You!
High Elves - High Elves are tall, fair, noble and majestic to the point where you just want to punch them in the face whenever you meet one. In fact, it happens so often that they don't even get upset about it anymore. They just pick themselves up off the ground, brush off their fancy clothing and stick their noses right back in the air where it was right up until the moment you smacked them around.
Which they totally expected from someone like YOU.
You see, High Elves are snobs and look down on anyone who isn't a High Elf. They have this whole "tall blonde master race" thing going on, and if one of them ever gave birth to a short grumpy looking Elf with a Moe Howard haircut and a Charlie Chaplin mustache, the Realms would find themselves in a whole heap of trouble. They would form a line behind him faster than fat kids on "free donut day" at a Krispy Kreme.
High Elf women are hot. Tall, sexy, exotic, they're everything you'd want - if everything you'd want includes "never getting past second base" and cold icy stares. Complete and total teases, High Elf women wield sex like a double-fabled, super mythical, ultra-legendary Uber weapon, and their lack of putting out is probably why the race has to have such a long life span.
Luckily, the men are equally as hot and if you squint really hard, you can't really tell the difference.
Like the other races in Warhammer, High Elves have several classes available to them:
Swordmaster- Take 2,500 years of cold showers, sexual frustration and teasing from High Elf women who refuse to put out, wrap it in armor and give it a sword and you end up with some of the scariest frigging warriors in the game.
Because the Swordmaster is frustrated.
He's been to the edge so many times that standing on the brink has driven him insane and now he just wants to kill something. He's got a throbbing case of "blue ears" and he's going to lob the head off of anyone who gets in his way. He's had two thousand years of "lets be friends" to work out in sword training, and because of that constant nookie denial, he's practiced his ass off...
And he's GOOD.
If you find yourself on the battle field facing down one of these jaw clenching testosterone bombs, you better hope that he kills you quickly...because you REALLY don't want to be alive when he gets a good firm hold on your corpse.
White Lion - Your melee DPS class, the White Lion starts off with a class hindrance upon creation: It has a REALLY crappy name, and because of that is subject to a constant barrage of bad 80's hair band jokes.
"Oh no! It's White Lion! If White Snake shows up, we're SCREWED! AHAHAHA!"
If that wasn't bad enough, they're a pet class who gets (as you may have guessed) a WHITE LION as their pet. Now, as you know "white" is the color of good and purity and angels and happiness and all of that other bunny hugging crap, so a White Lion isn't so much intimidating as it is...
Let's just say that when a skinny blonde guy with long hair and a fur coat shows up and pulls out a White Lion, you're either at a show in Vegas, or at a parade featuring rainbows and a LOT of Judy Garland music.
The whole "sissy boy" thing however, is probably the most powerful weapon that a White Lion truly has. No one expects that the skinny guy with the housecat is about to lay a painful smack down, and when he does - they lay there in surprise and shock.
And then the Swordmaster jumps them.
Shadow Warrior - A Shadow Warrior is what you'd expect in an Elf.
One Word: Giggity
They hide in the trees and bushes and shrubs and skulk around sticking arrows in your ass every time you think that you're safe or alone. But unlike the Legolas clones you'd expect them to be, Shadow Warriors aren't the happy woodland archers that you'd expect.
They're tiny little balls of Emo angst.
They've lost everything, seen too much, and have witnessed dozens of other clichés that have forced them into the woods where they must hunt, alone. Lone wolves with no pack to call their own. Outsiders, shunned by the world, they walk in the Shadows and watch, alone, the society that they can never again join, because no one understands them.
Luckily, if you run into one of these broody Emo bastages, you can usually wait for them to damage themselves by cutting shallow but easily seen wounds that they pretend to hide. And then as you attempt to befriend them, and convince them of their own inner beauty, you can kick'em right in the acorns and drop them like third period French, because they have four hit points.
And crappy haircuts.
Archmage - The healers of the High Elf world, the Archmage isn't your normal everyday band-aid hucker who hides behind the main tank and keeps his meat shield boo-boo free.
An Archmage, given half a chance, will kick your ass.
And then leave you for the Swordmaster.
Using both defensive and offensive magic, the Archmage is the perfect highbred class for those annoying-ass battle-clerics who forget that it is their job to shut up and make with the heals. Able to hold their own in a fight, buff up others in their party, and keep their Swordmaster from going to that big O-face in the sky - it is best to drop them as quickly as you can.
Or distract them with tells or out-of-game links. I mean, they are healers after all, and that IS their weakness.
Dark Elves Versus High Elves
Dark Elves - Dark Elves are related to High Elves in the fact that they are both elves, and they both have pointy ears.
However, unlike the High Elves, Dark Elves are twisted little sex monkeys. The psycho ex-girl friend who was great in the sack but wore too much black, or that weird guy in the Goth club who looks like he's wearing a shirt made out of electrical tape and tears, your average Dark Elf is a hard class to nail down and label.
Unless they're into that.
Then it's all dog collars and whip marks.
Unlike "Dark Elves" of other games and worlds, Warhammer Dark Elves don't live underground and they're not dark skinned. They resemble High Elves, but have darker hair, less clothing, and a high running tab at Hot Topic. They once lived peacefully with High Elves, or were High Elves, or some crap like that, but broke off and formed their own society full of hot chicks and deviant sex.
Which is why the High Elves hate them.
Like the High Elves, Dark Elves have several classes at their disposal, and at least one of them will give you major ear pointage, IF you get my meaning.
Witch Elf - BOY-YOY-YOY-YOING! If ever there was a class to be based on the sheer boneability of the character model, Witch Elf takes the cake. And then eats it slowly, while licking the frosting off of her finger.
A melee DPS class to the core, don't let her sexy smile and "hey I do a crapload of crunches" abs fool you - a Witch Elf is like a preying mantis. But with a way better butt. Sultry and alluring, they are a whirlwind of scantily clad destruction in a fight. Twin blades, a sadistic grin and a lust for blood, a Witch Elf is in every way the crazy chick your friends warn you not to flirt with.
And probably the reason that the High Elf Swordmasters go into battle rage.
Sorcerer / Sorceress - The Dark Elf version of a battle mage, there are two rules to follow when creating this distance DPS caster.
Rule one: Embrace the Chaos. Let the magic take over and laugh as you cause death, destruction and mayhem on an epic scale. Lose yourself to the sheer power and awesome magical forces that you control. Let the darkness win.
Rule two: Don't make a dude.
Seriously. No one wants to look at a male Dark Elf. They're skinny, kind of creepy, and you just KNOW that they haven't showered anytime recently. They're probably covered in meth scabs and have that whole "Marilyn Manson" wanna be vibe going. Where in the FEMALE caster looks hot and sexy in her robes, the male version just looks...
In fact, scratch rule number one - it isn't even important. If you are going to roll a Dark Elf caster, you better make it a chick, because if you don't you're just going to end up pissing off everyone on your server by denying them chance to play with their wands and "cast a couple of spells" of their own. And then they're going to be forced to make a Swordmaster, and you REALLY don't want that.
Female Dark Elves are HOT. Male Dark Elves just make everyone angry. Know it, learn it.
Disciple of Khaine - The healer class of the Dark Elves, the Disciple of Khaine is the last person you want to have poking around your "owies" because you just KNOW that it is going to end up infected. Using the powers of darkness, evil, and villainy they manifest their putrid energies into a healing power that can cure almost any wound.
Which is like going to Doctor Kevorkian because you have a head cold.
Unlike the wannabe Goths and Emo kids that pepper the Elven race as a whole, Disciples of Khaine are REALLY into the weird stuff. There is no show or conformity, no pretend interest or trying to impress people with their illusion of darkness...when these guys wear leather spikes and nipple clamps, it is because they are REALLY into leather spikes and nipple clamps. The rustier the better.
And then they tug on them while playing dead for the Swordmasters.
Yeah. They're that sick.
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